


Torn Apart

by solojane



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 2nd Person, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben is baby, Ben's alive, But Like Kind Of, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, No nsfw yet, Post TROS, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Slow Burn, The Rise of Kylo Ren, You need a hug, Young Ben Solo, at least i hope so, best friends to stangers, disney is homophobic, finnpoe is canon here, first fic, hux is alive, i really miss ben solo, implied rose/hux, leia funeral sorry, so like semi decent writing methinks, some stuff from rise of kylo ren will be included at some point, uMMMmm, very emotional, weird writing style?, wouldn't say enemies but there's a lot of conflict
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22759564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solojane/pseuds/solojane
Summary: It had been eight years since you last saw Ben Solo, someone you thought you knew and cared for. He was back from the dead, back from being Kylo Ren, someone you hated. What exactly were you meant to do? What could you do?
Relationships: Ben Solo & Reader, Ben Solo / You, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. At the Lake Furthest from the Klosslands

You always stayed on base when battles took place. War was something you never agreed with. Sometimes you even questioned why you were even still in the Resistance. You knew the answer was because Leia asked you to stay, convincing you by saying the Resistance needed someone to remind them that war was two-sided (and your medical skills weren’t too bad). And you did remind them, which was why not many people got along with you. Your strong political opinions and refusal to fight or plan attacks – sometimes even going against attacks – infuriated people, but as long as Leia was there you remembered how important it was to stand up for what you believed in.  


One of the days when half of the team was off base, Leia excused herself and laid down, closing her eyes. You knew what everyone was doing out there in different parts of the galaxy, you knew she was doing this for someone. At that moment you knew it was for her son, and that he was coming back. Sure, you didn’t have force abilities, but you felt it in your heart. Leia would have kept on going and would have fought until she knew for certain he was back. If this was the end for her, it meant this was her last attempt to bring him back. It had to work.  


You mourned Leia. She was such a strong person in your life. Someone you looked up to after your parents had been murdered on a mission. You remembered the times when Leia, Han, and your parents would set up play dates for you, Ben, and sometimes even Poe (when he wanted to join). Ben was only a year older than you and he was your best friend for six years. That is until he was sent off to Luke for training at the young age of ten. It’s not that he stopped being your best friend after he was away, he didn’t really have any competition. It’s not that you hadn’t tried to make friends, it’s just that you hung on to him too much for anyone to take his place. Even after only seeing each other once or twice a year after the separation, he was the most intriguing person you had ever met. Sending him away was one of Leia’s few mistakes.  


“You tried. And that’s all that matters.” You whispered setting your hand over hers, only the thin sheet in between. “You fought for who and what you loved. That’s more than most can say.” You bent down and kissed the sheet where her forehead would be. Then there was nothing. You turned to Maz; she was smiling. Tears built up in your eyes, and with a lump in your throat you managed to whisper, “I’ll try to look after him, but I don’t know if I can face him.”  


Some hours had passed since then, and the Resistance had beat Palpatine. Slowly the Resistance fleet came back to Ajan Kloss, a lot more ships and people than you were expecting coming one after another. You saw people smiling all around you. Rose, Finn, and Poe were smiling and laughing. No sign of Rey. No sign of Ben. Nerves started engulfing your body as horrible thoughts started arising. _What if she was hurt? What if she didn’t bring him back with her? What if he was dead? Did Leia die in vain?_ Suddenly an old X-Wing made its way to the surface. _Rey_.  


You ran towards it. Stopping when she was the only one coming out of it. _Of course she is. No one else could have fit in that thing with her. Idiot_. Finn and Poe ran past you and engulfed her in a hug. Relief washed over you knowing she was safe. She caught your eye and her smile fell just a bit. Your eyebrows furrowed. _Ben_. He wasn’t with her. And why would he? You had no idea where he was anyway. He could have been far from Exegol.  


“Are you okay?” Rose asked, coming up beside you, smiling. You smiled back and nodded.  


“I should be asking you that! You just came back from battle.” You examined her body for any serious injuries. As soon as you had met Rose you two became good friends. She was the loveliest person you had ever met. When you met her face again, she was frowning.  


“General Leia…” She said, sadness in her eyes. Your smile faltered. What were you supposed to say? Her loss was going to be a hit to everyone in the Resistance.  


“I just hope-” Rey interrupted what you were going to say by calling your name and throwing her arms around your shoulders, her head resting in the crook of your neck. You froze, unsure of what to do. You weren’t a hugger, she knew this, everyone knew this. The rare occasions you did were never in public, and with people who you had a deep bond with, like Leia and Rose, sometimes even Poe. You liked Rey, she was strong and confident, but you wouldn’t say you were close the way Finn and she were. Your more interesting conversations most times ended in arguments about what the Resistance should do.  


You caught eyes with Poe. He was in utter confusion and turned to Finn with a questioning look. Finn shrugged. You knew Rey was a hugger, was emotion just overpowering her today? _Am I supposed to hug back?_ You thought glancing at Rose before your arms slowly wrapped around Rey’s lower back.  


“Meet me at the lake furthest from the Klosslands past the Zymod nest after dark.” She whispered so low you almost didn’t hear her. She pulled away, smiling. Quickly you forced a matching smile on to your face.  


“Look at that, you made her uncomfortable.” Poe laughed. You rolled your eyes and turned away processing what Rey told you. _Is it Ben? Did Leia fail? What does she need me so far away for?_ Your heart started racing at the possibilities.  


For the next few hours, you enjoyed the company of the Resistance and your friends. You tried not to think about the hundreds, if not thousands, of people who died only hours prior. That reminded you, _Leia needs a funeral. I'll make sure to talk to the base directors about it in the morning_.  


At around the nineteenth hour, you excused yourself back to your tent. Since you were one of the few who got to stay on base more than others, it had a homier feeling and you got dibs on the location. You had decided to set it up against a cliff and leave one of the tent sides open so that the rocks served as a wall. It made the space look bigger and allowed you to hang things up with magnets (you had gotten very excited when you found out the rocks were magnetic). You laid down on your cot, staring up at the orange fabric that surrounded you.  


Only a few more hours until you made your way to where Rey had asked to meet you. _What if Ben is here? On the same planet, for the first time in eight years_. When was the last time you had seen him? _Before he burned Luke’s temple to the ground. Before he became Kylo Ren. Before he was The Jedi Killer. Before he threw everything away_.  


Anger slowly made its way across your body. You stood up quickly, instantly becoming dizzy and feeling warmer than usual. _Is that beast really here? He has the nerve?_ You thought, glancing out of your tent. It was on the edge of the camp, if you left now, no one would really notice.  


As quietly as you possibly could, you rushed into the forest. Once you got far enough to where you couldn’t hear any more chattering, your pace slowed down. You decided to take your time walking. It was beautiful on this planet, and you hadn’t had too much time to take nice walks without worrying about people constantly dying because of the war.  


After about a fifteen-minute walk, you made it to the lake. It was quiet and dark, no one and nothing in sight. “What?” you mumbled to yourself confused. _Am I in the wrong place? This is the furthest lake_ ; you knew because you and Rey had been here before once when you timed her completion of the training course when Leia couldn’t. The best idea was to head back to base and come back at a later time to meet Rey but a single thought in the back of your head made your feet start moving closer to the lake. _He has to be here. Taking a little stroll around the lake to double-check wouldn’t hurt anyone_.  


Then you saw it. The faintest outline of a Tie Fighter being illuminated by the moonlight. You stopped, your breathing taking the same action. Walking to it felt like an eternity even though it couldn’t have been more than 30 feet away from when you first saw it. At an arms distance away, you saw him.  


He was sleeping, as peaceful as ever, in the cockpit of the ship. Your lips parted. _He looks beautiful_. More handsome than you had ever imagined him to grow up to be. He looked too big to be in that tiny space; it was amusing. A tiny smile crept onto your face as you watched him breathe in and out. He was hugging himself, you noticed. Your smile faltered a bit, remembering that he had been alone for so many years. _And now all his family is dead_.  


_And whose fault is that?_  


You were torn. You wanted him here, but you didn’t. You felt the pull to him, to wake him up. But to do what? Hug him and be there for him, or slap him across the face and yell at him? You couldn’t decide. Was there any way you could do both? How could you be relieved that he was here, alive, yet have anger and hatred bubble up in your stomach?  


A low voice whispering your name made your eyes snap up to the sound. You had zoned off, too deep in your thoughts to realize he had woken up. You were met with dark, sad eyes. An almost inaudible whimper left your lips.  


“I can’t,” You started stepping backward, shaking your head, refusing to meet his gaze any longer. “I can’t do this.” You spit out through your teeth in his general direction, turning and storming away.


	2. He Didn’t Smile Nearly as Much as a Ten-Year-Old Should

For a second you couldn’t hear anything, only your brain repeating ‘ _no_ ’ over and over again. You hadn’t realized you felt like crying until you could only see blurry shapes and felt tears weld up in your eyes. “No...” you wiped your eyes, refusing to let your emotions get to you. 

You’ve dreamed of this day. The day when he came back to you. _But he isn’t back for me, is he? I mean, if he wanted to come back to me, wouldn’t he have done it so much sooner? Am I being selfish? Am I? Yes. Is that so wrong? Why is he here?_

_His family is dead. What could he possibly be doing here? Back from the depts of the dark._

_Unless he’s not._ You suddenly stopped walking. 

“Unless he’s not.” You mumbled your thoughts out loud. You had walked to the point where when you looked back, you couldn’t see the ship anymore. A pang in your chest betrayed you, revealing to yourself the feeling of hurt when he hadn’t gone after you. _Don’t be pathetic_. “Ugh!” you grumbled loudly, walking back to the tie fighter. “What the stars are you doing here?” You spit out once he came into your view. He was out of the ship now, standing close to the lake. He was wearing all black, tight trousers, and a sweater. His hair was all over the place, all you wanted to do was run your hands through it. Meeting his eyes, another pang hit your chest. Despite no sign of any scars or bruises anywhere on his body, he looked broken. _He’s acting_. “Answer me!” 

He whispered your name, taking steps forward. Your name in his mouth was sweet. 

“Do not come near me.” You whispered back, making him stop in his tracks. Oh, how you missed him. Ben was someone you always kept in your heart. It was easy to keep him there without feeling embarrassed when you had deemed him dead. And he looked so much different, older and stronger, but his physical body was here, right in front of you, yet, “You’re not Ben,” His lips parted, letting out a shaky breath. “Kylo Ren, a monster.” You whispered, letting your words be carried to him by the wind. His body became tense and rigid. His lips inhaling and forming a straight line, his eyes replacing their sadness with nothing but a hard gaze. 

_There it is_. 

“What. Are. You. Doing. Here?” He held eye contact, searching your eyes. 

“What are _you_ doing here?” He asked back, his deep voice taking you back. It wasn’t at all how you remembered, how you heard it in your dreams. 

“What am _I_ doing here?” You shot back confused. His eyes shifted from you to something behind you. You heard your name being called out and you turned. 

“Ben,” Rey said looking at him and giving him the smallest of smiles. She was holding a lantern and some blankets, a tent bag on her shoulder. You turned back to him, seeing a small smile adorn his face as well. He met your eyes and it fell. Squinting your eyes at him you scoffed. “Are you alright?” Rey asked coming up beside you. She was smiling at you. _Stars, what is she so happy for_. “What?” She asked realizing that something was wrong. The tension was eating you up. 

“What are you so happy about?” You hadn’t meant to say it, really, you didn’t want to make a problem with her that was not needed. Your problem wasn’t her; it was the tall man standing across from you. 

“Excuse me?” she backed away from you, towards him. You looked between them, at how neither of them tensed or moved away from each other. _Oh. **Oh.**_

“Forget it.” You signed out, gazing down at your feet. _Am I being overdramatic?_

“Yes.” His deep voice sent small shivers down your spine. Oh, you hated that. 

“Don’t you dare. Get out of my head, you know I don’t like it.” 

“I’m not in your head, you put it in-” 

“How could I put it in your-” 

“-my head.” 

“-head when I don’t have force abilities?” You talked over one another. This argument was an old one. 

“And isn’t that a shame?” He sneered softly, sparking a wave of deep anger in you. 

“Ben!” Rey exclaimed in a surprised, warning tone. 

“Stop calling him that. Ben Solo died years ago.” His face contorted into confusion, as did Rey’s. “How dare you bring Kylo Ren to the Resistance base? Are you insane?” 

“Kylo Ren is dead,” Rey said sternly, now also becoming angered. 

“Ben Solo is dead!” 

A pause. _Stars, how I want to touch him. Repulsive is what I are._ Your insults towards yourself made you feel horrible. _Can I just make up my mind?_

Rey’s strong but pleading voice saying your name brought you back to the situation at hand. “I thought,” she looked at the man standing next to her, now looking towards the lake. “I thought you’d be glad Ben was back.” _So did I._

“He’s not Ben.” Your voice broke at his name. Rey looked at you with sad eyes, and you knew she saw the same in yours. You walked away back to the Klosslands. _Is this really happening? Can it really be Ben? No._

_It’s a trick. It has to be. What about Leia? If I’m right, she failed. Kylo Ren is a monster. A monster like him could easily trick people into thinking he is good if need be. So what if Palpatine was gone, he wasn’t Kylo’s master. He took care of Snoke, his actual master, yet kept on being Kylo Ren. This is a disguise. To bring the Resistance down. To gain power once again._

You felt tears going down your face, this time letting them fall. There was no use in trying to prevent them. This was too much. So many emotions were taking up space in your chest, making it hard to breathe. 

You decided to stop walking and lay down on the grass. _I can’t go back to camp._ You hadn’t cried in front of anyone, ever, except for Ben and Poe. _Oh, except for Ben._ The exception for almost everything. 

But this? Could he possibly be the exception for your hatred of war and those who were the heads of it? He had been Supreme Leader of the First Order. All political and military decisions after Snoke’s death were his. _But that wasn’t Ben._

Kylo Ren’s name had been known across the galaxy only a few months after his rise. The rumors of him being strong with the force, along with Ben’s disappearance after burning down Luke’s temple, made it easy for you to make a connection, no matter how much you wanted to deny it. Leia telling you about her feeling in the force of a disturbance in her son only confirmed your suspicion. 

Not many knew the boy who Kylo Ren came from was none other than the son of Princess Leia Organa and General Han Solo. Leia hid it once the Resistance was recruiting more people in reaction to the First Order’s rise. Poe was the only other you knew that was aware of the information - and Han, Chewie and maybe Lando -, and he was adamant about hiding it. He didn’t want to hurt Leia’s image. He wouldn’t admit it, but he had also felt betrayed when Leia told the both of you. Poe refused to believe that Kylo Ren had once been his childhood friend. 

The feeling of betrayal had hit you in the face and never truly left. Ben had always kept to himself. He was a quiet boy, scared to make himself know. Thankfully, you had been in his life long enough to earn his trust. When he wasn’t following Han around, he spent time with you. 

Before he went to the Jedi academy, he was somewhat playful and could make you and Poe laugh. He had his father’s humor and personality. _He idolized that man._ He did keep some secrets, and it took hard convincing to make him tell you things, but he eventually would, when he was ready. 

At nine, when his force abilities were set and there was no denying them, you were enticed. It was the coolest thing ever. At first, he thought so too, until he noticed a shift in the way Han looked at him and how Leia was more careful around him. He quickly grew to hate it. His father started going on more missions and adventures, Leia somehow becoming even busier politically. He was young and all of that was enough for him to feel distance forming. 

You remembered when he told you how he felt, you said he would always be your friend, and that you thought his abilities were amazing. 

“No, it’s not amazing. I wish I didn’t have it.” He responded angrily. 

“Ben-” 

“You don’t get it!” He had yelled. The first time he ever had. It had confused you. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry.” You had mumbled to each other at the same time. 

_He let me in, sharing his feelings of abandonment and all I could do was contradict him by saying I thought his abilities were actually amazing, implying that he should be grateful. Stars, what a great friend._ You signed out loud, massaging your head to try and relieve the headache that you felt coming. 

When Leia had told him he was going to the academy to be trained by his uncle, Ben changed. No more jokes, no more of the rare smiles. Quietness surrounded him at all times. His walls intensified even more. Poe stopped hanging out with you both. At a few years older than both of you, he needed action, movement, and social settings that he simply wasn’t getting with you both. Feeling like Ben was closing himself off from you, you tried talking to him, to get him to share his feelings even more. You wanted to help. _What could I have done that could have made him feel better about being sent away from his mother and father, by his own mother and father?_

“I’m going to miss you.” You remember saying the day he was meant to leave. “You’re my best friend.” 

“You have Poe.” He had replied. You turned to him. 

“He’s my friend too, but you’re my _best_ friend.” You had smiled, hoping to get one out of him. He hadn’t. _He didn’t smile nearly as much as a ten-year-old should._

You remembered your eyes had started to water. You were going to miss him, so much. He had been your friend since you could remember. And yes, you were only nine, but sometimes when he would grab your hand to pull you somewhere or to gain your attention, you felt the tiniest butterflies. _A stupid school-girl crush!_

“I’ll,” He had been looking down at his shoes, “I’ll miss you too.” Your smile deepened. 

“I know.” You had teased, the corner of his lip turning up for just a second. 

“I wish I could go with you.” His smile had fallen at that. _Was I such an idiot as a child?_

“Don’t say that. You don’t know what it’s like.” 

“I know that, but-” 

“No. You don’t have the force. It’s not-” 

“You’re being mean.” That stopped his speech. Seconds passed before, 

“I know you try to use it.” He said. Cue your anger. _Children feel so much so fast. Not any different than how my emotions are now, is it?_ You let out a frustrated grunt. These memories weren’t helping your headache. “I’ve seen you.” 

“Shut up, Ben.” You had whispered angrily. Looking back now, you heard his words in a completely different tone. He wasn’t trying to be mean on purpose; he had been sad. _He didn’t understand why I would want what was making him miserable_. Your eyes snapped open. That day tears had fallen down your cheeks from embarrassment at the thought that he had seen you try. 

“It’s not as great as it seems.” He mumbled. _Stars, had there been tears in his eyes?_ “Sometimes, a dark voice-” 

“Ben?” Leia’s voice had come from outside the room. 

“I’m going to visit you.” You had rushed out, forgetting about the anger as soon as you remembered he was going away. 

“Yes. Please do.” He nodded, wiping the tears from your face. 

You sat up, wiping your current tears with your own hands. There was a massive pain in your head. “I’m going to sleep like a baby.” You breathed out, making your way back to your tent, hoping no one saw you. 


	3. It Seems Like We've All Been Holding on to Bits of Information

You were upset to find out that the headache that started last night continued when you woke up. It’s not like you had gotten good sleep like you had predicted, so you didn’t know why you were even surprised the pain in your head was still there. You had only slept for short periods through the night. The longest couldn’t have been more than forty minutes. You kept waking up breathing heavy, instinctively reaching for the blaster you kept under your cot.  


Nightmares. All consisting of Kylo Ren. You’d had them before, only once in a while when you thought about him for too long during the day. But you knew this time it was because he was actually here, and there was nothing you were going to be able to do to get him out of your head. You groaned, trying to push yourself further into your cot. _This crap isn’t even comfortable_ , you thought. You had made yourself accustomed to sleeping on it, but it would be a complete lie to say it was comfortable. _When was the last time I was on a real bed?_ You couldn’t remember.  


“Scoot over.” You remember whispering. A faint memory was forming in your head. He had grumbled sleepily. _Beautiful._  


“You know both of us will not fit.” He mumbled, yet with his eyes closed, he shifted over on the cot. You were nineteen and eighteen then, of course you didn’t both fit on the small cot. As best you could, you had laid down next to him. Looking back, you were practically laying _on him_. A small blush came to your cheeks thinking about the memory. _Stop it_.  


_Chandrila. That’s the last place I slept on a real bed._ You remembered from thinking about Ben. You had been on his home planet when Leia had broken the news of her son’s fall to the dark. After that, the Resistance’s few missions you were a part of and the constant movement of bases started.  


You honestly didn’t feel like going outside of your tent today. As a matter of fact, leaving your cot, no matter how uncomfortable, seemed like the most unappealing thing possible at the moment. You sighed, knowing that it would only take a few hours before someone, most likely Rose or Poe, came looking for you. It wasn’t out of character for you to stay in your tent all day, but they always made sure to check if you were okay.  


_Leia’s funeral arrangements._ You groaned, remembering that you told yourself to ask about that today. You forced yourself to sit up, regretting not changing into more comfortable clothing before going to bed last night. Your body was sore and uncomfortable, it just didn’t feel right.  
“This is ridiculous.” You said to no one, staring at the rock wall to your right. _Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben._ “Fuck!” You cursed out jumping out of the cot, abruptly standing, adrenaline all of a sudden filling up your body. You knew why, because you were mad. But not at him, at yourself. “Stop thinking about him. Just stop!” Your inability to control your thoughts was frustrating.  


You heard your name from outside from an all too familiar voice, “Can I come in?” You saw Poe’s shadow against your tent openings.  


“Uh,” your mind scrambled, you didn’t really want to see anyone right now, “I’m naked.” You blurted out.  


“Nothing I haven’t seen before!” He joked. You rolled your eyes.  


“Very funny.” You said, remembering how a few years back he had accidentally caught you taking a bath in a lake on some planet on a mission.  


“You know I don’t like naked girls.” He sang in a mocking voice. A small smile formed on your face.  


“You know I simply do not want you to see me naked. Again.” You replied in the same tune.  


“Then put clothes on.”  


“Poe, what did you come for?” It came out a little harsher than you wanted it to. He sighed.  


“Just checking up. The sun’s almost at its peak and you haven’t come for breakfast.”  


“I just woke up.”  


“What?”  


“I had trouble sleeping. I’ll be out in a bit.” You hoped that reassurance made him leave.  


“Okay, I’ll prepare you some food, yeah?”  


“Yes please.” You responded, even though the thought of eating was making you gag already. How can you eat when the feelings in your chest were already taking up too much space? They left no room for you to feel hungry. You saw Poe’s shadow disappear.  


You needed a game plan. _What the hell am I going to do? Turn Kylo in? If people know he’s here, they might not be nice. And why should they? Maybe if they know Rey brought him, they won’t be too mad. Confusion would probably be the strongest feeling. He is the enemy._ Hesitation and anxiety-filled your body at the thought of telling the Resistance he was here. _I need to talk to him first._ You made up your mind. _Later today, once nighttime hits, I'll visit him again. For now, I'll oblige to Poe’s wishes and go eat some of his food._  


When you got to the cooking area, Poe was cracking some eggs on a metal sheet on top of a fire. A rationed rising bread waiting for you at the closest table to him.  


“What eggs are those?” You asked. The eggshells had spots on them.  


“Does it matter?” He asked, flipping the eggs over. You stared at him. He looked relaxed, happy. Somehow more handsome than before. Fighting a war took a day to day toll that was obviously already starting to lift off of him.  


“Do you know where Kylo Ren is?” You couldn’t help it. You watched as he held one of the eggs on the spatula he was using in midair, making eye contact with you.  


“What?” He asked, his shoulders tensing. _Oh no, he’s going to get angry._  


“Nothing.” You breathed out, looking away, hearing the egg sizzle and the clanging of utensils. _I had to ruin his good mood, didn’t I?_ He rushed over to you, standing across from you on the other side of the table. You met his eyes. He wasn’t mad like you expected him to be.  


“I don’t know. I haven’t came face to face with that mask since I was captured on Jakku.” He whispered out. “Have you?” _Is he curious?_  


“Where would I have seen him?” You hoped he couldn’t see through you. You weren’t lying. _Technically._ You were simply withholding information. He stared at you.  


“Why are you bringing him up?”  


“Aren’t you a little curious? The Supreme Leader of the First Order gone, are you sure you didn’t see him on Exegol?” This was a real question you had. _Where had Rey picked him up?_  


“No, he wasn’t there,” He paused.  


“What?”  


“Finn saw him on Kef Bir.”  


“What?” You pressed on, surprised.  


“Rey fought him there.”  


“What?” You almost yelled. Everything was becoming more and more confusing.  


“Finn-”  


“Hey!” Rey all of a sudden came up next to you. “Good day, your eggs are burning.” She deadpanned at Poe. Looking towards the fire, she was right. Poe ran towards them. Rey said your name in a whisper.  


“You fought Kylo Ren on Kef Bir?” You asked loudly. She said your name again, in a warning tone.  


“Hey, are you mad?” Poe asked putting a hand between you. _Where did my eggs go?_  


“Where are my eggs?” You looked past him to the fire, finally registering what he had asked, “Why would I be mad?”  


“You know why.” His eyebrows furrowed.  


“What the hell does that mean?” Your body turned to him defensively.  


“Woah, what’s going on here?” Finn was walking towards you all, Rose by his side.  


“You saw Kylo Ren on Kef Bir?” You asked, hearing Poe sigh. A clear sign of his regret in telling you the information he knew.  


“What?” Rey asked, now also becoming confused and intrigued by new information. An uncomfortable silence took over. _It seems like we've all been holding on to bits of information._  


“I thought I told you to stop worrying about him. “ Poe said to you. _Could he maybe not do this in public?_  


“I’m not _worried_.” You emphasized.  


“Worried?” Rey mused out loud.  


“About who?” Finn asked, confused.  


“Why would she worry about Kylo Ren?” Rey asked, starting to play an act of oblivion. _She had to know something about my past relationship with him, or she wouldn't have said she thought I'd be glad_. You started to get mad.  


“Kylo Ren?” Finn said in sock.  


“I’m not _worried_.” You squeezed through your teeth.  


“We left Ren on Kef Bir.” Finn said matter of factly.  


“Guys,” Rose tried to start a sentence but was interrupted.  


“And he wasn’t on Exegol.” Poe continued the train of thought.  


“So, where is he?” You asked, meeting Rey’s eyes. She was mad you were playing with information and the current situation.  


“What do you want him for?” Poe asked you.  


“He’s dangerous.”  


“Maz said Leia died saving him.” Rose piped in. You all turned to her. Your lips parted. _Was everything going to come to light right here? Right now?_ Rose was by far the person you liked the most in the Resistance, but there were a lot of things you hadn't been ready to share with her yet. You didn't blame her for bringing in the information she thought important to the conversation in.  


“What?” Poe asked.  


“Why would Leia do that?” Finn asked at the same time.  


“Ben-” Poe started.  


“Is dead.” You finished, meeting Poe’s eyes.  


“Ben Solo?” Rose asked confused. Your eyes fell to your feet. You could feel their eyes move around from you to Poe.  


“Am I missing something?” Finn asked. “Han Solo and General Leia had a son?”  


“He fell to the dark side. He became Kylo Ren.” Poe revealed, so suddenly it caught you off guard.  


“Did you know this?” Finn asked Rey. She nodded.  


“I thought her son died at the Jedi Academy,” Rose said. You could see her thoughts racing, “at least those were the rumors.”  


“He caused it.” You whispered, hating to say it. Pain started engulfing your chest and clouding your thoughts. _How could he?_ You had found it so hard to believe the news, but he had fled and joined the dark side. _Is that not proof enough of his guilt?_ You had seen him only a few weeks before, but you hadn’t left without your last conversation being an argument. _Typical_. Your brain then jumped to another memory, different from the one you thought of earlier. This one was from the night prior to the last day you saw him, lying next to him, the rush of Luke finding you sharing a bed making the night even more enticing. Nothing more than a kiss had been shared, but that had been enough. You could feel your mind want to dive and stay in that memory, but you were interrupted when a whip of red hair come into your sight behind Rose. “What the…” You walked past Rose and Finn. “Armitage?” The name hadn’t left your mouth in years, you were surprised you even remembered. He turned to you, confusion at the use of his first name on his face until he met your gaze.  


Your name left his lips, half in surprise and half in disgust. _How many First Order leaders are on this planet?_  


“He was the First Order Spy.” Poe came to stand next to you, amusement all over his face.  


“And so you bring him here, for what?” You were beyond confused. How had you not even noticed he was here?  


“He helped us escape the First Order when we rescued Chewie. If we left him there, he would have been killed.” You hadn’t broken eye contact with Hux. Of course, death wasn’t an option you wished on anyone; Poe knew this.  


“So you brought pure evil and a leader of the First Order here simply because all of a sudden, for reasons unknown to us, he decided to betray the order he has been serving his whole life?” Hux’s eyes wavered from you slightly.  


“My ultimate goal was to destroy Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.” He sneered out. “He was a child. Not fit to rule the First Order.”  


“And you were?” You spat. "You're five years older than he is." His lips formed a thin line. “He can’t be trusted.” You said, turning to Poe.  


“Of course not.” He said in a tone that made it clear he thought that was obvious, but then his brows furrowed. “What else are we supposed to do with him but bring him here though? Dump him somewhere? He’s not doing us harm here. He has nowhere to go.” Your eyes turned back to Hux, the memory of the last time you saw him quickly playing in your head.  


“My father is part of an organization. I stay with him. It’s bound for me to also work there.” You had met him at a casino on a mini-trip you were on with Poe about nine to ten years back, you couldn’t precisely remember, but definitely before the First Order was even a confirmed thing. Poe hadn’t known you snuck out of your designated night-over location.  


“You don’t have to.” You’d mumbled, taking a sip of the drink he had bought you.  


“It’s more complicated than that.” He had looked miserable.  


“I’m not doing what my parents did. It got them killed.” You had winced at what you had revealed. _What possessed me to say that?_ You had only had the one drink, so you hadn’t been intoxicated. “All I’m saying is that you should do what is best for you.”  


“You give good advice.” He had mused, smiling. He had been messing with you. He had been handsome. Not that he wasn’t so much now, but it was obstructed by his nasty attitude and energy. Never had you imagined that the organization he was speaking of was the First Order. A sudden wish that he had taken your advice overtook your thoughts. You snapped out of it when Poe said your name.  


“I just,” You sighed, looking at Rey. With everyone distracted, she had managed to get a bag, bread peeking out of it. _Food for Kylo_. “I just need time to myself.” You said, starting to walk back to your tent, completely forgetting that you didn’t eat. _I should’ve just stayed in my tent like I wanted to_ , you thought, the neverending headache you had growing stronger.


	4. The Flowers Going Down the River had been Truly Beautiful

Against your impulses, you hadn’t allowed yourself to go see him. It had now been five days after you last saw him, but there hadn’t been a single minute he wasn’t in your head. He was all you could think about, and you didn’t know how to stop it. So many different scenarios passed through your head as to how Rey had managed to get him here, and what his ultimate plan was by being here. Nothing clicked, nothing felt right. You knew at one point or another you’d have to ask one of them about it, but you weren’t really sure when you were going to get the guts to do it.  


The truth was you missed him more than you had even imagined. When you convinced yourself Ben Solo was dead, you still missed him, but it was somehow easier. You found some kind of comfort in the fact that you were never going to see or touch him again, so missing him didn’t have a solution and you could just feel through it. Now, there was a solution. He was only a few minutes away; a simple hug and conversation could solve the pain in your chest and the longing you had to feel him.  


Yet, it was almost impossible to forget who the man that was here actually was. Or who you were convinced he was. Kylo Ren. _They’re the same person_. You had told yourself, but you found it hard to believe that the Ben Solo you knew would do all the things Kylo Ren did for the First Order.  


You knew the best way to clear your head and get to the point was to talk to him, but you were being stubborn about it on purpose. _What if he simply lies?_  


You hoped Rey would just bring him to the base soon. Hux being here was proof enough to you that they wouldn’t hurt him, especially with Rey on his side. To your dismay, throughout the past days, she kept on acting like she was hiding nothing. She would be on camp most of the day, so you assumed she visited him at night. For some reason that made you shudder. _Jealousy?_ You shook your head. _Stars, I need to get my feelings in order._ People were going to grow suspicious of her any day now, and there was only so much food she could steal before others took notice.  


You looked down at your clothes. A dress. All black. The only one you owned. It was simple, fitted at the top, the fabric dropping to your feet at the waist. The only decoration was a chain of silver leaves around your waist and diamond earrings. “This is too much…” You whispered out to yourself. This dress was the only piece of nice clothing you had kept through the years. Every now and then you put in on just for fun, just for yourself. It was nice, but you dreaded anyone interrupting you on those days. It felt nice to pretend everything was fine and that wearing beautiful dresses was an everyday thing. _Maybe a t-shit and cargo pants is better._ “I mean, you don’t even have shoes to wear with this. You’d have to go barefoot.” You told yourself, so close to just taking the stupid thing off. Thankfully you heard the flap of your tent move open before you had the chance to pull the zipper down.  


“Woah.” Rose had stopped in the middle of coming in, the tent flap still in her hand. The smile on her face was so big and warm, it shyly made a similar expression adorn your face accompanied by a blush. She was wearing a nice blue top with some black pants, simple but sleek.  


“Too much, you think?” You scrunched up your nose.  


“No!” She walked towards you grabbing your hands and bringing them up to spin you. “You look great.” She laughed, and you joined. She met your eyes, with her smile still bright she said, “Leia would have loved to see you in this.” You knew she was right. Leia always said that your simple clothes could be upgraded since you never went on missions or did any heavy work and basically stayed wherever she was.  


“Just because you dress up beautifully all the time doesn’t mean we all have the energy or confidence to do it.” You had teased her one time after she had said adding some bigger earrings wouldn’t hurt my t-shirt look. She had only laughed in response. That memory took you back to an even older one. You had been in one of her rooms with her back on Chandrila. You didn’t remember how the conversation started, probably a comment on your dressing, but she had decided to show you some beautiful gowns; the most gorgeous you had ever seen.  


“They all belonged to my mother.” She had said adoringly.  


“She had excellent taste.” You said with a smile, seeing how much they meant to her.  


“It seems so. I only know her from the things she owned, and the stories told to me by people who knew her. They were kept on Naboo for many years after her death, and eventually found their way to me.” She paused, her eyes filling with some kind of longing. “These matter to me very much. I like to think of my granddaughter wearing them,” She had stroked them ever so softly, “if I ever have one.”  


You remember being sad at her words, knowing she might not get the chance at all. Then anger at Ben, for stripping her of that dream. Then frustration at Leia, for sending him away in the first place. The same rush of emotions quickly ran through you now, as did then.  


Rose called your name, “Are you okay? Did I say something I shouldn’t have?” Her face was full of worry. You shook your head, placing a smile on your face. _She’s too sweet for her own good._  


“Just thinking. Memories, you know?”  


“I know,” her hand squeezed yours, “are you ready to go?”  


“Give me a few minutes? I’ll meet you there.” You answered. She nodded and left. You took one last glance down at your dress. _She would love this._ You patted your hair one last time, checking that it was in place in the bun. You didn’t usually wear it up, but you thought it would complement the look better. How you had managed to make the bun look presentable only using your small compact mirror, you didn’t know. “Okay. You’re okay.” You reminded yourself, stepping out of your tent.  


The service was going to be held in the forest at the edge of a river that turned into a small waterfall. You had made sure to make this happen in the opposite direction of where Rey had Kylo. With that being said, the sweep of a tall figure in all black at the edge of base hiding behind some bushes, obviously arguing with Rey, caught your attention. _Great._  


“How could I not go? How would this not be a good thing?” You heard his deep voice saying, confusion laced in it, as you approached.  


“Ben. I know. She was your mother, but I don’t think today is the right moment to reveal you’re here.” Rey pleaded.  


“I agree.” You said from a few feet away. His eyes met yours and they instantly hid his emotions, making you regret having met them. You shook your head, not only to show your disapproval of his idea but to shake those little thoughts of your longing out of your head. “Her body isn’t even here, it’s more of a remembrance service. You really don’t need to go. And you shouldn’t.” You breathed out; his eyes had moved down to your body. You remembered the dress, but you refused to also glance down. That didn’t stop your body from heating up at his gaze.  


“You’re barefoot.” Was the only thing that passed his lips as he once again met your eyes. He was amused. Warmth filled your chest.  


“Ben you really should go back.” Rey said, obviously feeling bad about having to send him back to the lake. You had broken eye contact at his name, still not being used to it.  


“I can repeat the service at the lake.” You said, instantly regretting it. _Seriously?_ his voice asked tentatively, sweet, unexpected. “Yes,” you answered, still not looking at him, “listen, I was waiting for Rey to just bring you to the base so that it could just be done and over with. I mean, Armitage is here, you won’t get killed, we know that much-”  


“Armitage? Armitage Hux?” his body had tensed, Rey sighed. _She didn’t tell him._  


“Yes?” You answered, frustrated that he had interrupted you, “he was a spy for us, apparently.”  


“That traitor.” He mumbled out. It caught you off guard, and you could tell it had Rey as well. The venom and anger in his voice.  


“Traitor.” You repeated meeting his eyes. “Funny. Rey,” You turned to her, giving her an ‘are you serious’ look, “make sure he gets back to that lake. Do not let him come to the river. I still don’t know why you have him here or trust him. I’ll talk to you later.” She nodded. One last glance at the man across from you showed that even he was confused at his attitude. You sighed. _That soft spot._ “I’ll see you at the lake. Later.” You said walking away. _Leia was still his mother_ , you figured, _no matter who he is_. You could feel his want to go to the ceremony for her.  


You hoped no one had seen you, Rey, and the secret inhabitant. You didn’t see anyone out on camp, and you knew most of them would be by the river already, but the news of Leia’s son being here did not have to be spread through whispers right now. It hit you in the face in an instant. Leia’s son. If Poe hadn’t said anything a few days ago, no one but him, Rey, Maz, Chewie, Lando, and you would know Ben Solo was Kylo Ren. No one else would even be able to identify him anyway. _Are we making this more difficult than we have to?_ “Whatever.” You mumbled.  


The walk to the river was short, five minutes at most. As you got closer, you could hear chattering. You were glad people were talking and being chatty, a quiet sad setting wasn’t the environment you were going for. When you got to the open space you were so happy with the outcome of the decorations you had helped set up. There were bright flowers everywhere. Leia liked simple, you knew that, but you also knew she knew how to appreciate beautiful things like these. You remembered she had mentioned the flowers here were “lovely”, so you just ran with the thought. Since Leia’s body had disappeared, you thought it would be nice if people placed a flower in the river and watched it flow downstream and then down the waterfall.  


“Hey, do you know where Rey is?” Finn asked when you walked up to him and Poe. You shook your head, hoping she would hurry and have a good excuse.  


“Once she gets here, we’ll start.” You informed them. After a few moments of small chit-chat with Rose, Rey arrived. You started getting nervous. You didn’t like talking in front of people, especially gatherings this big. Not all the new Resistance members from after the big fight had stayed for this, but a good chunk of them had. _Just for this_ , which you understood, but didn’t because you knew other memorials were happening on other planets, but this one had been the last she stood on.  


You walked over to the elevated podium you had set up so that people could say words and tell stories.  


“I want to thank every single one of you for being here. I know Leia would have deeply appreciated it, but she probably also would have said we all have better things to do after taking down the First Order.” A small round of laughs emerged and that caused your anxiety to subside. “Leia was hope. She helped the galaxy in so many ways, some that we may not even realize. She had been fighting for good from a young age, since the grasp of the Galactic Empire to the First Order’s. She has guided us and kept us going. For that, we should always be grateful. I knew her from a young age, and I have always looked up to her, despite our differences. When my parents died, she was there for me and helped me stay grounded, she became a kind of mother-figure and I think maybe there are other people here that see her that way seeing as her care for the Resistance went beyond that of a general’s and felt so motherly. Her love for what she fought for was admirable, and I hope her teachings stay with us all.” You paused, taking a deep breath, “She died fighting for what she loved.” your eyes shifted to Poe. He was looking away downstream, a faint trace of tears on his cheek. “Which is an honorable way to go. And I know we will all keep her in our hearts.” You smiled at everyone. Some people had tears in their eyes as they smiled, others just held deep sentiment in them. You stepped towards the river, and softly threw the flower in, watching the water take it with it. “Okay, anyone is welcome to come speak. And offer your flowers whenever you feel ready. Thank you, again.” You were met with smiles and nods.  


You stepped off of the podium, meeting Chewie halfway. He put a hand on your shoulder and pulled you into a hug. Your body instinctively froze, but this time you didn’t let it bother you too much, reminding yourself to hug back. You knew the news of Leia had hit him hard. You could only imagine his pain. He had known both Han and Leia for a long time, losing both of them in the span of roughly a year could only be described as heartbreaking. He walked up to the podium and started saying some words. You went to stand next to Rose, Rey, Poe, and Finn, noticing the latter two were holding hands. Finn was rubbing small circles on Poe’s hand, obviously trying to soothe him. _Could they finally have figured it out?_ You couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on your face. _Maybe things will turn out good. Don’t let his presence ruin this new happiness. The war is over. Your connection died years ago. Let the past die._ You took a deep breath as you watched Poe make his way to the podium.  


“All good?” Rose’s hand came to rest on your bicep. You nodded.  


“Yea.” You said in the tiniest whisper. 

It had been a few hours after the start of the funeral now, so many people spoke of their time with her and their love for Leia. The sight of so many of the flowers going down the river had been truly beautiful. Now you had all walked back to base and were eating and having a party. Some people had gone out of the planet to get some of their favorite foods for everyone including: roasted Porg, Nuna Legs, exotic fruits, frogs (someone told you that apparently, the ones here were poisonous), and some alcoholic drinks.  


You knew a certain someone was waiting for you by a certain lake, but you tried to push it to the back of your brain for as long as you could. You knew you were pushing it when Rey started staring at you every two minutes. It was dark now anyway; you knew he would get angry if you didn’t follow through. _So what if he does get angry?_ You sighed, knowing that he was truly unpredictable, and you had no clue what he would do if you didn’t show up when you said you would, especially after denying him attending the real ceremony.  


“Rose, I think I’m going to call it a day. I’m really exhausted.” You told her. She smiled at you, knowing that you weren’t made for parties. You didn’t like lying to her. You caught Rey’s eyes, and nodded at her, turning to your tent. You had grabbed a big basket of leftover flowers to take to the lake and hid them there when you got back from the river. Rey had also sneaked some of the food and drinks for the party in there. After grabbing it, you sneaked to the forest, again being thankful your tent was out of view.  


“Where are you going?” You jumped, grabbing your blaster from under the flowers and pointing it to the source. You met Poe’s eyes; his body unflinching from the weapon pointed at him, knowing that it would take a lot more than a small fright for you to use it.  


“Holy shit, man.” You breathed out. _Fuck. Quick. Think._ “You scared me.” You pushed a laugh. His eyebrow raised as he looked at your basket. You sighed. “Can a girl take a walk and mourn in peace?”  


“In the forest? After dark?”  


“Yes.” You huffed. _Can he stop being difficult?_ You could tell he wasn’t buying it. “Poe…I,” You paused, trying to dramatize your words, “I really miss her.” His face softened. “I’m going to just go eat some food by one of the lakes and let more flowers float on water. I need to think and be alone.” You said softly.  


“Tell me when you get back, no matter what time it is.” He said, nodding.  


“Watch out, someone’s going to think you care about me.” You joked, cracking a grin. He didn’t laugh.  


“Just because we constantly bickered about war politics doesn’t mean I ever stopped caring about you.” He said crossing his arms. Your smile fell. He wasn’t serious like this often. You already felt bad about lying, his statement just making more guilt wash over you. _He has as much right as I do to know our old mutual childhood friend is here, or at least what is left of him._ He turned to walk away.  


“Will I find Finn in your tent with you?” You decided to keep teasing, it was the only way you knew how to react. That made his face turn over his shoulder, a grin aimed at you. _Success_. He didn’t answer. You let out a deep breath. _I have to be extra careful. How does Rey do this every day?_ You continued your walk, a familiar pang rising in your chest at the thought of who was waiting for you.


	5. You're an angel, really.

You put the blaster back into the basket under the flowers. You weren’t 100% sure why you even had it with you in the first place. You knew how to use it since Leia wanted you to at least have good aim if you ever needed it, but you hadn’t ever actually used it against anything but a tree and wooden targets. _I guess it just gives me a sense of protection_. You weren’t sure why you felt the need to explain yourself to… yourself, but it made you feel better about your decision.  


As you approached the lake, your heart started pounding. “It’s okay, just go and get it over with. You’ll be fine.” You whispered, the tie fighter coming into view. He however, was nowhere in sight. You went up to the ship looking in the cockpit, but it was empty. A small light flickering past some trees behind the ship caught your eye. Walking towards it, you saw it was coming from inside a tent. A big shadow moving around inside told you he was in there. You sighed, walking towards the entrance. _Do I call out or should I just open the tent? He can probably feel you here already anyways._   


“You can come in.” A deep voice called out softly. You rolled your eyes; _I wonder how far he can feel me from._  


“I rather you come out here.” You said stepping away from the tent. You could hear shuffling inside the tent, and then your eyes were met with his chest. You had underestimated how much to walk away from the entrance, and how much space his body took. “Oh.” You mumbled out taking more steps back, a blush coming to your cheeks. _Thank the stars it’s dark_. You met his eyes, but instantly turned, walking towards the lake. It was a little hard to see, but the moon and the light he held in his hand was enough for you to see the deepness of his eyes. You couldn’t make out his emotions from the fast glance, but they had been overwhelming.  


The silence was thick and heavy, making your shoulders tense and feel heavy. All you wanted to do was go back to your tent and lay on your cot. You got to the edge of the lake and stood there for a few seconds, just staring at it. You felt him stand a few feet next to you, looking at you. _Could he not?_ You felt his gaze leave you. _In my head again?_   


“I don’t do that.” He said a little too jarring for your taste.  


“We are not having this argument now.” You answered with the same amount of attitude. The silence came back, even more tension between you. You sighed, remembering why you were here. You were still in the dress from the funereal and still weren't wearing any shoes, so you took a few steps into the lake, thankful that it was shallow at the edges and that it wasn't too cold.  


“What are you doing?” He asked. You grabbed a flower from the basket and gently set it down, even more of your dress getting wet. The flower floated in front of you. You shook your leg softly, causing little waves that made the flower float away from you.  


“We-” Your voice broke, you hadn’t realized tears had fallen from your eyes. _What is happening? I managed to hold myself together at the funeral with no tears, this less grand version of it shouldn’t make my emotions break like this._ A hand came to rest on your shoulder. You flinched away, shaking the hand off when you remembered who it belonged to. Your foot stepped on something slippery. Closing your eyes instinctively, you could feel yourself falling... and then not. You opened your eyes; you were suspended slightly above the water. You looked up to the only person who could have been responsible for your lack of fall. His hand was extended out towards you. He moved it a bit and you were once again standing upright. The smallest smile crept on to his face, spreading warmth in your chest. _I never thought I’d see that smile again_. His eyes were searching yours, what for? You weren’t sure. “Um,” You managed to say, tears no longer forming. “We put flowers in the river and watched them flow down a waterfall. I thought we could just put them in the lake since there isn’t a river close by.”  


He nodded, reaching for a flower from the basket in your hand. You hadn’t noticed when he took his boots off and rolled his trousers up a bit so that his clothes wouldn't get wet.  


“Have you been wearing the same clothes since you got here?” Your curiosity got the best of you. He only nodded, setting a flower down in the water. “Aren’t they dirty?”  


“I washed them.” He said it like it was obvious. _Washed them how?_  


“What’s the hole from?” His eyes met yours quickly, and as quickly they darted away. You also looked away, grabbing another flower. _That isn’t important._ “Okay.” You mumbled to his response. _Why am I even trying to make conversation with him?_ You remembered who he was. You were letting your guard down. _I have to stop._   


“Here.” You extended the basket to him. “Rey put food in there from the feast.” He took it and grabbed another flower, putting it down in the water. _The blaster is still in there_ , you remembered. _Crap._ “I just,” you reached for it under the flowers and took it out. You could tell he was taken aback by the presence of the weapon, a surprised look on his face. You brought it to your side, shaking it against your leg anxiously. His lips, plump and dark pink, were parted, staring down at the blaster. His guard was up, you could tell. “I’m not going to use it.” You whispered, shocked at his defense.  


“Then why would you bring it.” His eyes came up to yours and there you found fear, regret, and anger. _Does he really think I would use it?_ “We don’t all become murderers during war.” It slipped out before you even thought about it. All emotions disappeared from his face as he scoffed. You hated when he did that, he had always been really good at hiding his emotions.  


“Of course.” He said harshly. He grabbed another flower and let it go. “You could never. You're an angel, really.” If it had been in a different context, you knew your stomach would’ve flipped at the comparison. “You think you’ve had no influence in war crimes? The Resistance is not innocent. You know this.” Your own defenses rose, your grip on the blaster tightening unintentionally.  


“Your mother convinced me to stay by her side. I always went against the violent attacks. She wanted to give me a title and I refused. Everyone here hated when I reminded them we were killing just as much as the opposite. Sometimes we were forced to act because of the First Order’s attacks. Do not for a second think I don’t feel guilty for being here. I never wanted war. But you know what? At least I wasn’t on the side that caused the fucking shit show to start.” You sneered out.  


“You think I wanted war?” He yelled out. It was striking, how loud and intimidating his voice was.  


“You burned Luke’s academy and ran to Snoke and the First Order! What do you want me to think, Ben?” The name slipped past your lips, your voice breaking at it. His eyes had a fire in them that you had never seen before.  


“I didn’t burn Luke’s Jedi Temple.” He took a step towards you, his voice had lowered significantly.  


“You expect me to believe that?” Tears were at your eyes and you absolutely hated it.  


“I hoped you would.” The softness in his voice and the emphasis on ‘you’ broke you. You choked out a sob, bringing your empty hand up to cover your mouth, as if that would somehow trap any further noises to come. You shook your head. A part of your couldn't help but think, _He’s being selfish._ He took a deep breath, looking away from you. _Get out of my head_. “I’m not-”  


“Leia,” you managed to cut him off. He was looking at the flowers that were now closer to the center of the lake. “Leia was heartbroken when she heard about the temple.” You refused to acknowledge that so were you. He took a deep, shaky breath, his chin and bottom lip trembling. “She died for you and I,” you paused, trying to find the right words, “I wish I had the strength to believe my intuition that screams you’re back without the fear of being betrayed again.” You whispered out. He looked at you, tears clear in his eyes. You couldn’t deny that it hurt to see him like this. He shook his head. His body was tense, his knuckles around the basket were white, his other hand had squished a flower in his fist.  


“Nothing says I deserve your trust. Maybe I don’t deserve to be here. But you have always been stubborn. Once you form an opinion you hold on to it and refuse to listen to the other side. I am not sure why I expected you to be understanding.” It caught you off guard. _Is he insulting me?_  


“What’s that supposed to mean?” You asked angrily.  


“You have always been blinded by your opinions. Not everything is black and white.”  


“You killed people!” You shouted. “For power!” He flinched; he knew you hated raising your voice.  


“Yes. I did.” A small gasp left your parted lips. Something in the way he said it, laced with intense pain, instantly let you know he regretted it. But his face was hard, and his eyes showed no emotion which led you to think, _I’m imagining the regret_. You started to walk away from him. “What else happened at the funeral?” His voice made you stop in your tracks, but you didn’t turn back to him. _I need to leave._  


“People said some words.”  


"Did you?" 

"Of course." 

“What were they?”  


“What do you want to know for?” He didn’t answer. “I can’t remember exactly.”  


“A summary will do fine.” You sighed, sniffing, just wanting to get away from him. You turned to face him. He was setting more flowers on the water. The sight made your heart hurt. You stared at the back of his head for a long time. He did miss her.  


“Um, I,” you walked in the water again, looking at the flowers. You could tell he was making them move with the force, “I said Leia probably would have wanted us to be doing better things to repair the aftermath of the war rather than dedicating a whole day to her.” A small sound came from him, _agreement?_ “She was hope, has been hope since she was young. She became a mother-figure to me-” A scoff interrupted you. “Don’t.” You warned, you really didn’t want to talk about Leia’s mistakes while remembering her. “She took me in when my family died, and I look up to her.”  


“You would never look up to a war general.”  


“Not that aspect. Can you stop interrupting?” He took a quick glance at you. _He's amused_. You instantly became annoyed at the relief you felt in your chest at his lightened mood. “She fought for what she loved.” You said not taking your eyes off of him. “She died fighting for what she loved.” You repeated the exact words from earlier, remembering them. “Which is an honorable way to go, and I know we will all keep her in our hearts.” He didn’t even try to hide the tears from you. He had only cried twice before in front of you, back when you had visited him at the academy. Before you could dive into the memory, he let out a sigh.  


“I couldn’t come back to her.” He whispered in the tiniest voice. “I couldn’t come back to you.” Your heart ached at the words. You felt a longing to reach out and touch him, hold him in any way you could. His hands around you as well, feeling like nothing could harm you.  


“You-” He interrupted you with a shush. _Did he just shush me?_ “Did you just shush me?” Your frustration was coming back. _Just when I thought I was about to get answers_. “Are you kidding me?” It came out louder than you intended it to. Then, in the corner of your eye, you saw a figure coming towards you. _It’s Rey_.  


She called out your name, “What are you doing with that blaster?” She asked once she reached the edge of the lake. You rolled your eyes.  


“Killing Kylo Ren.” You said in the most serious tone you could, eyes not leaving Ben’s side profile, you aimed the blaster straight at his face. His eyes also rolled, but you couldn’t help but be transfixed by the smallest smirk adorning his face. _Stars, if I could just forget about everything, I would kiss you in a second_. His eyes snapped to you in surprise. You quickly looked away, lowering the blaster and cursing your own thoughts.  


“Give me the blaster.” Rey said.  


“No. I’m not giving you my blaster. I’m leaving.” You started walking away, past her. “Why did you make me bring him food if you were coming anyway?”  


“I wasn’t coming but then I got worried.” She said, glancing at Ben. You refused to look at him.  


“Do you seriously think I could harm him? Harm anyone? Rey c’mon. I’ve literally prevented attacks against the First Order.” You sighed; your head was starting to hurt.  


“Yes, I swore you were a spy the first time you managed to convince Leia to call off an attack.” She mumbled out. You sighed, staring at her. You couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but she looked annoyed with you. “People do unpredictable things in the heat of the moment. I just wanted to double-check on you, from the way things went last time.” She finally explained.  


“Don’t worry. I’m not going to kill him anytime soon.” You mumbled turning away once again, and for the last time. You felt both of their eyes on you until you disappeared into the shadows of the forest. Once you were at a good distance you couldn’t help it, a rush of emotions overtook you, and as you dropped to your knees, sobs escaped your lips.  


_I couldn’t come back to you._   


_Was he right?_ You had spent the last seven years condemning Kylo Ren in your head, wanting his demise to come. Sometimes you had even wished death on him because he had taken away the person you loved the most. Yet, he was that person. You missed Ben ever so dearly and some days you swore there was nothing you wouldn’t do to get him back, including submitting to the First Order, submitting to Kylo Ren. When those thoughts had first arisen you were disgusted with yourself. He was a war criminal after all, but weren’t you? Yes, you denied a rank in the Resistance, but you still took part. Then you indulged in the fantasies. Wondering what it would be like if you were at his side. It was a fantasy after all. But now, he was here. _Is it the same? Indulging a fantasy and actually accepting Kylo Ren feels like different things_.  


_This is too much_. The sobs were getting louder as you spiraled in your emotions, unable to pin them down. Longing, anger, sadness, lust, hatred, and love all somehow simultaneously rushed through you, and you weren’t really sure what to do with them. So you just laid on your back, trying to get your breathing back, trying to settle yourself down, trying to empty your head. After a few minutes, your tears had run out and your brain felt empty, the only thing there was a slight pounding.  


“Leia, I miss you.” You whispered out, hoping somehow, she would hear. You managed to pull yourself and start walking towards the base. Your tent was so close, and you were ready to collapse again, but then you remembered telling Poe you’d check in with him once you got back. You knew your time with Ben couldn’t have been more than half an hour, but you had absolutely no idea how much time you had spent crying on the forest floor.  


You made your way towards his tent and you could see a light was on. You were thankful the party had ended in your time away. The tent was zipped up from the inside. Not trusting your voice, you shook the fabric. You heard rustling inside and then the zipper. Once he got a look of your face, his face softened in a way you hadn’t really seen often. You and Poe weren’t very close. After Ben was sent away, he tried to deepen your friendship, but it just didn’t work. Your personalities crashed hard. But you were still each other’s longest friends and you had picked up knowledge of each other’s movements and actions that other people just didn’t know. He knew you wouldn’t go to him with a puffy face and tear streaks unless it was really bad. You had only done it once, and for the same reason as now. Ben and an overwhelm of emotions.  


“Would a hug be okay right now?” He asked tentatively, which brought a soft smile to your face. You nodded and felt his arms come around your shoulders. Your arms wrapped around him as well, and you felt him pull you into his tent as you rested your head on his shoulder. “I miss her too.” He mumbled in your ear. You let out a deep breath, refusing to let any more tears fall. You doubted you had any left anyways. _I wish I was crying over her. She deserves it._ And you did miss her. So much, but you didn’t know how to explain that right now it was so much more than that without bringing suspicion as to why all of a sudden Ben was constantly in your head.   


You also knew Poe wasn’t Ben’s biggest fan. If you had expressed your dislike of Kylo Ren, Poe had adamantly been 10x more against him. It was something you could understand, but also felt like it had a lot of deeper meaning having to do with his connection with Leia. You pulled away from him, he had teared up. A sudden awkwardness surrounded you, which made a quick laugh escape your lips. He smiled.  


“If I don’t come out of my tent tomorrow don’t worry.” You said having a look around his tent. It was really simple, just the cot and a trunk. A few blasters around the floor along with some clothes. It made sense; he was always on the move.  


“You have to eat.”  


“I promise I have hidden snacks and bread rations.”  


“Water?”  


“Yes.”  


“I don’t like it but, I don’t tell you what to do so okay.” With one last look at him and a soft smile, you turned to leave the tent. The walk back to your tent felt heavy and exhausting even though it wasn’t a long walk at all. Finally stepping in, you zipped the flaps of the opening together and somehow managed to take the half-wet dress off your body. You wondered how Poe hadn’t noticed, or maybe he had he just decided not to mention it. You got an old t-shirt from your trunk and put it on. Halfway doing that, you flopped down into the cot. Your small, rough, uncomfortable current piece of comfort. Sleep came easy, and that night you dreamt of holding Ben, and him holding you.


	6. Are you joking? Please be joking.

“I think we should start to think about where we’re heading after leaving this planet.” Finn said throwing a piece of bread into his mouth. Jannah made a noise of agreement and put a spoon-full of beans in her mouth.   


“Well I’m probably still working for the Resistance as a pilot and going on missions for them and the New Republic. I mean, I’m still a captain. It’s just a matter of waiting for the higher ups to get things in order.” Poe informed, sitting down next to him. "If they don't get in conctact soon though, I might need to start things on my own and go to them."  


“Hey, do you guys think you could get me some kind of permanent engineering job in the resistance or at the New Republic at Chandrila?” Rose asked looking at Poe and you.  


“Oh come on, don’t you want to run missions?” Poe teased. Rose only laughed. “Yea, I’m sure our future senator here can help you with that if it's what you really want.” Poe smirked at you. You couldn’t bring a smile to your face. You hadn’t thought about what you were going to do after the war for too long, it riled you with anxiety.  


“Senator?” Finn asked.  


“Well she’d rather die before being an official member of a military organization like the Resistance. The only reason why she was allowed to just be here was Leia. The higher ups won’t let her be here if she’s going to go against their strategies. I won't let her be here is she's going to go against my strategies." He teased. "As a senator, she can advocate for those strong opinions she has about the military.” Poe explained. You stared at him.  


“I’m sitting right here, you know?”  


“Well you do have strong political opinions.” Finn commented, continuing to eat.  


“I have no affiliation with any sectors in the galaxy that are represented in the Senate, even if I do share their political views.” You said, shoving your food around your plate.  


“It’s not like you have to be from a place. They elect you in if you care, and you do.” Poe said in his pushy voice. “Plus, you could always try representing planets that aren’t really on the table.”  


“Yea right,” you scoffed, “If they aren’t at the table it means they don’t want to be affiliated with the New Republic.”  


“So what are you doing?” Poe asked. He was pushing you, and he knew it. You tensed your jaw. _What am I doing?_ Your thoughts jumped to Ben in a second, wondering what he was going to do now.  


“If it’s any consolidation, I have no clue what I’m doing.” Rey piped up; she was smiling at you. You could tell she was trying to lighten the mood; she could probably feel your tension.  


“Well, remember you never have to settle for anything.” Jannah piped up, also smiling at you. Rey’s smile along with Jannah’s words made you break a small smile, being grateful that they were trying to make you feel better. Even if it hadn’t worked.  


You had been out of it for a few days now. You had spent the day after the funeral in your tent, only coming out until night to relieve yourself. The next day it was easier. The distraction of helping people pack up had helped. And that’s how you went another two days. In between helping people pack you had taken some walks and spent time with Rose. She didn’t probe, which was something you were grateful for. She had told you once she didn’t like to push, and was confident that if you wanted to talk, you would, and she would be there to listen whenever that was.  


You found yourself walking towards the lake where Ben was, but halfway there you would turn back. You didn’t have it in you to have more arguments with him. You knew your conversations didn’t have to lead to arguments and angry comments, but you also knew that’s how it would go down because there was so much that was unknown. The solution was simple, sit through his explanations until there was no more unknown. Yet, the nagging feeling that he could be lying about everything always got the best of you, which you knew would prohibit you from fully trying to accept his words.  


Hux came and sat next to you. You couldn’t help but stare at him. _How is he comfortable here?_ It really did surprise you how everyone treated him. They were… nice. _Had him being a spy really changed their feelings about him in a second?_ In your eyes, forgiveness seemed to come easily to them.  


“Yes?” He met your eyes, annoyed.  


“Are you going to be brought to the New Republic to face trial?” Poe and Rose said your name in a warning tone. Hux’s eyebrows rose up in surprise.  


“Well,” He paused looking around the table, “No.” He let out. It took you aback how simply he had said it. You turned to look at Poe, his face was calm, knowing. “I’d go into hiding before facing a judging. They’d imprison me in an instant.”  


“Yea, no shit.” You said, Poe again calling out your name. “You were a high-ranking officer in the First Order, what are you expecting?”  


“Your friends wouldn’t be alive without me. The Resistance would have perished without my information. I risked my life for all of you.” He said it nonchalantly, taking a bite of his bread. You knew he was right, even if you didn’t agree, so you bit your tongue. You started making comparisons between Armitage and Ben. _Would they be as understanding with Ben? Should I be this understating with him? Maybe I should work on understanding Armitage and then move on to Ben. But do either of them even deserve it?_  


You looked away from Hux, and towards the plate of food sitting in front of you. You knew later on Poe would comment on your lack of eating but at the moment you didn’t want to worry about it.  


You had lost your appetite over the past few days after thinking so much. It seems like your thoughts were feeding your stomach and that was enough to last you through the day. In all honesty you felt somewhat pathetic. You sought for the solution to make yourself stop thinking about the man deep in the woods, but you simply couldn’t find it. Why had he taken charge of your life and over your thoughts this way? What was it about him that intrigued you so much? What was it about him, that you knew, you were never going to be able to let go?  


A loud sound coming from the Falcon and then Chewie yelling grabbed everyone’s attention, making silverware clatter and Rey jump off of the box you both were using as a chair. Everyone got up after her, except for Hux, making your way towards the old ship. Chewie roared, you didn’t speak Wookie well, but the way he was frantically moving his arms made it clear something was wrong.  


“A transmission from Lando?” Rey said going up the ramp. You stopped right at the base of it. You still weren’t used to the piece of junk being back.  


You had been sure it was a goner and you would never see it again after Han had lost it. When you had seen it again, once he had brought Finn with him for the first time, you had instantly felt lightheaded. That ship was the grandest thing ever back in your childhood. You loved it because you and Ben would play in it, that is when you would sneak onto it without Han knowing, pretending to be pilots. The Falcon was his dream. He just wanted to pilot like his dad. The thought crossed your head, and it hurt. You loved the Falcon because he did, and now, you hated it. It only reminded you of everything that went wrong. So, you refused to get on it, and you hadn’t yet.  


You could hear loud chattering from inside the ship. Something was definitely wrong. _Get over yourself and go see what it is already._  


“Not curious enough?” Armitage was standing some feet away behind you now. You turned to him, raising an eyebrow.  


“You know, you should have taken my advice from the bar.” You said, half serious, half just wanting to toy with him. His face stiffened as he rolled his eyes.  


“The galaxy needed order.” He let out, placing his hands behind his back.  


“You’re not doing yourself favors with the First Order sympathy statements.” You wanted to laugh. You weren’t sure what his plan was, and you thought maybe he didn’t either. He kept quiet, his mouth in a thin line. “You talked about your father being there, amazing how you managed to pass him up in rank, isn’t it? I mean I’ve never heard of him, there’s only been one General Hux that I know of and that's you.” You wanted answers, but this had been the wrong thing to bring up and you knew it. He started walking away. “Hey, where-“  


“It’s the First Order.” Poe said from behind you. You watched Hux stop in his tracks. You turned to Poe.  


“Are you joking? Please be joking.” You let out, studying his face. The worry that had eased out of his looks had come back in a matter of minutes. “Say you’re joking, Poe.” It almost sounded like you were pleading. He shook his head no. Everyone slowly made their way out of the ship, looking equally distraught. You couldn't help but be lightheaded.  


“We have to go.” Said Finn matter of factly. You started shaking your head no, your brain instantly jumping to Ben. You made eye contact with Rey.  


“Not all of us can. Technically this is still main base, no one’s said any different. If people are going to hear about this and help, they might stop here first or after. Some of us need to stay.” Rey explained.  


Poe said your name, “I’m assuming you’re staying?”  


“Of course.” You let out, the thought of leaving the planet never even crossing your mind. “Hux is staying here with me.” You added, crossing your arms over your chest. This caused some eyebrows to rise.  


“I’m what now?” He had walked back towards the group. “I know more about the First Order than any of you, why would I stay?”  


“No, I agree.” Rose piped up. “We can’t trust him not to go back.”  


“Any information you want to share, we’ll do it through messages.” You told Hux, he only let out a deep breath, then nodded. As you observed him, you could see disgust on his face, with a hint of worry. It confused you.  


“I’ll stay as well.” Rey said, trying to make it sound normal.  


“Have you gone mad?” Finn said, obviously confused. “You literally are the reason we won the war. We need you out there. You’re the strongest of us here.”  


“He’s right, you’re coming. Get that lightsaber of yours.” Poe said in his leader voice. “Rose and Jannah, you are also welcomed to come.”  


“I think I’m staying.” Rose let out, your eyebrows furrowed at her, but you decided not to comment right now in front of everyone.  


“Are you sure?” Poe asked. She nodded her head, stepping off of the ship ramp.  


You watched as they scurried off into their respective tents, probably gathering the materials they’d need for travel and a possible attack. Rey tried pulling you up towards the ship but you stood your ground.  


“You really hate this ship?” She asked.  


“It’s a piece of junk.” You let out. She gave you a knowing look letting you know that she knew that couldn’t be the reason at all.  


“Listen, you have to let him know I won’t be visiting. Tell him not to worry I’ll be fine. Do not let him leave the planet. Please bring him food and water, please?” Her face was hesitant, but you could see the sincere look of pity she was giving you. For some reason, it rubbed you the wrong way. _I’m capable of doing a simple task like that without breaking down_. “You don’t have to do it every day just, make sure it’s enough and that he doesn’t leave the planet.”  


“And if he does? What am I supposed to do?” You asked. It was ridiculous, you though, if he wanted to leave, he most definitely could. “He has his own ship.”  


“I cut the wires. He’d have to steal a ship.” You gave her a surprised look.  


“I thought you trusted him?”  


“I do.” Her mouth formed a thin line, “But he’s just so,” She paused sighing.  


“Unpredictable.” You finished.  


“Yes.” She nodded; her hand came up to your shoulder after a few seconds. “Will you?” She gave your shoulder a slight squeeze, making you back away from her. Finn passed you up on the ramp entrance.  


“I will.” You answered in a sigh. She smiled at you.  


“Thank you.” She said, turning and walking into the ship. _I can do this_ , you instantly thought. _I don’t even have to see him after telling him Rey won’t be here. I can leave enough food for a few days. It’ll be okay. No more crying._  


Poe called your name and stood beside you. “I know you don’t like this whole situation but-“  


“War?”  


“Yes.”  


“Ah,” You narrowed your eyes at him, “No I don’t.”  


“You have to help.”  


“No, I don’t think I have to.” You let out. You weren’t too sure why you liked being difficult with Poe, maybe it was because you found a little entertainment in how easy he lost his patience.  


He said your name sternly, “Doing nothing is helping the enemy.” You rolled your eyes.  


“In other people’s eyes, you’re the enemy.” You couldn’t count the times you’d said this before. It was his turn to roll his eyes.  


“We’re the ones fighting for the right cause.” He said. You sighed. He wasn’t wrong. The Resistance was fighting for democracy, for the people who were being mistreated by the first order. You just hated the fighting. You hated the way things played out with violence. You hated the war and the deaths that came along with it. You weren’t ignorant to the fact that the First Order was, arguably, more at fault. You just didn’t want to be a cause of any deaths, on either side. But doing nothing, might as well be as bad at letting the deaths go. 

“You know I’m right.” He said softly. You hated that Poe, someone you cared about, used violence to solve problems.  


“I’m not coordinating any attacks.” You said.  


“You’re smart and tactical enough to do it.” He pressed.  


“Poe.”  


“Fine.” He finally gave up.  


“I’m going to help any other way I can. Tell injured people I can treat them here, and that shelter is here. They’ll be safe. I’ll take care of them.” You told him.  


“Poe, we have to go.” Finn appeared at the hanger entrance.  


“Coming,” Poe glanced at him, then back at you. “I’ll let them know. Stay close to a radio at all times.” You nodded. “Stay safe. Stop not eating, please.”  


“Yes, I know. Don’t die.” You called after him. _I don’t know what I’d do if you did._  


“Promise I won’t.” The smirk he threw at you granted you a little bit of reassurance. You knew he knew what he was doing, it’s what he’d been doing for years. _But no one ever knows what could happen._  


You backed away from the ship and watched it fly off along with some other smaller ships tailing behind it. You heard faint transmissions coming in from where all the machines were. People were already crowded there, making sure everything was going smoothly. You spotted Rose talking to Hux. _Weird_ , you thought. _I wouldn’t think she’d be one to be nice to him_. Rose knew when to give attitude, it was people like him she disliked, at least you thought.  


You walked towards the machines and started listening in to the incoming updates, but also trying to figure out what lie you’d tell later when you’d sneak off into the forest. 

It was night now. The members that were out had checked in to the planet Lando had called them to and went radio silent for the moment. They had informed that they were going to be looking for the First Order members and that they’d call in with updates every few hours. We had their locations on the screen just in case.  


Everyone had decided when they were going to take turns sleeping, and you volunteered to take the first night shift so that you’d get to him as soon as you could before he started getting suspicious.  


“Okay, Rose I’m going to sleep. Wake me up in six hours?” You called to her. She had been asking Hux about all the First Order bases and technology that he knew about. It surprised you how sincere he sounded giving the information.  


“Yes, goodnight.” She shot you a smile and continued with Hux.  


You gathered some food, a good three days’ worth of rations. No one noticed since they were all busy with the current First Order problem. You placed it in the basket you had, along with a pair of pants you stole from Poe, an old big t-shirt of yours, and a blanket. You decided against bringing your blaster this time, it only caused arguments. You turned the lamp you had in your hands off and looked out of your tent. No one in sight. You made your way towards the forest, and once you got a few minutes into the forest in the dark, you deemed it safe to turn the lamp back on.  


“You’re not going to freak out. You’re going to explain the situation and that’s it. It shouldn’t be too bad.” You mumbled to yourself getting closer to the lake. You could feel your grip on the basket tighten as you got nearer to where he was. When you finally arrived, you walked straight to where you remembered his tent was. You saw there was a light on inside, but no one moving. You did the same as last time and shook the entrance folds. They were open, and as you shook them, your eyes caught glances of the ground inside the tent. You got no response.  


“Are you in there?” You said. It came out quieter than you wanted it to. You sighed, looking up at the stars. _Are you here?_ You hated that you even tried to communicate with him using your mind, but you also knew he listened, even if he claimed he didn’t.  


You grew frustrated at the lack of response. _He might not even be in there._ Your mind slowly began to panic. _If he’s not here, then where is he? What if he went to the base?_ Frantically you moved the tent flap aside and stepped in.   


You were met with the sight of a shirtless man on the floor cradling himself, sleeping. His breathing was easily spread out, and he looked relaxed. His muscles toned, but nonetheless, calm. He was laying only on a blanket on the ground, a small pillow under his head, facing away from you. He had a smaller thinner blanket covering his lower half. The sight of his arms holding himself made your heart heavy. It reminded you of all the times he must’ve cradled himself like this when at the Jedi Academy, or even during his time at the First Order. _Does he deserve to be alone?_   


You took a step forward towards him, your impulses taking over. The skin on his back looked smooth, and it was covered in freckles. It was a mystery to you how he had no scars. You felt your hand twitch up, wanting to reach out and connect his freckles with your fingertip. _What am I doing?_ You asked yourself for the second time today. You shook your head, placing the basket down next to him. _He’ll wake up to it. I can explain tomorrow._  


You walked out of the tent and towards the lake, staring out at the water. You hadn’t gone swimming for a long time, and honestly, you missed it. _I might go to another lake once everyone gets back._ You took a deep breath, taking in the beauty of your surroundings. As you turned to leave, you spotted a tall figure walking towards the lake from behind the TIE Fighter, wearing the blanket you had brought him around his shoulders and covering his bare chest.


	7. So Not Because You Wanted to See Me?

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” His voice was soft but deep, laced with the remnants of his peaceful sleep. You took a glance at him and couldn’t help but look at the parts of his chest and abdomen that were exposed. You thought, _how am I supposed to be around him to talk, to try to understand, when all my body wants is the feeling of his skin?_ You forced your eyes off of his chest, up to his. As soon as you met his eyes, they looked away from yours out onto the lake. You decided to take this time to really take a look at him.

Even in the dark, the moon illuminated his face enough to let you see a faint blush on his cheeks. _He heard that._ You cursed your own thoughts but you couldn’t help them. He looked the same, but different. He had grown beautifully into stronger features. He didn’t look old, the opposite actually. Yes, there were more crinkles around his eyes, but it didn’t make him look old at all. Last time you’d seen him you found him attractive, but you would use the words cute and hot the few times when he would come back to you after training. Now, standing in front of you, you’d use handsome. You always did think he would grow up to be. He had gained more muscle, no doubt from intense training. You longed to trace the outline with your fingers.

“Your thoughts are loud.” His words were a faint whisper, “I don’t go in your mind. I think," He took a small pause, his eyebrows furrowing "you push them into mine.” You shook your head, now also looking out to the lake. “The force is in everything, everyone.” He added. You both stayed quiet for a few minutes after that. The silence wasn’t awkward and for that you were thankful. You knew you were both just enjoying the moment.

“Why would I project my most intrusive thoughts about you directly to you? I’m betraying myself. It makes me look like a hypocrite how my thoughts don’t match my words.” You turned to him as a small chuckle left his lips. He was smiling.

“Maybe the force is helping you,” His voice was lighter than you had ever heard it. No, the sound of it was still deep, but there was a lightness there that suggested he had no worries at the moment. “It knows you don’t have the courage to say the words aloud, but it knows you still want me to know.”

“I rather you not.” You crossed your hands over your chest. He took a small step towards you, his body facing you now instead of the lake.

“Do you?” A shiver ran down your spine. You met his eyes, there was a playfulness in them. A playfulness that you had only seen a few times in your life. You couldn’t help the smile that came to your lips.

“I do.” The tone of your voice came out sadder than you expected it. You didn’t want him to know how you felt, how your body and desires were betraying you. You still weren’t certain of his motives. If he was really back. The First Order still causing problems only made you more uneasy. _What if he’s leading them?_

“Leaning who?” He turned towards you in curiosity. His eyes were slightly furrowed again. You sighed, frustrated.

“There's no way I'm projecting my thoughts to you. How would that even work if I don't know I'm doing it?” You asked.

He took a long pause, “Leading who?” You sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to let it go.

“Lando called in.” He took a deep breath at the name, “There was some First Order activity on a planet in the outer rim. Some of the team went out to it. That’s why I’m here and not Rey.”

“So not because you wanted to see me?”

“Ben.” You rolled your eyes; he was smiling at you. Butterflies flew in your stomach at the sight. “Are you still leading the First Order?”’

“No.” He answered instantly, and it sounded sincere. “Even if I wanted to, I have no way of communicating with them. Rey completely disabled the TIE fighter.”

“You tried to leave.” You accused.

“No, I saw her do it. She thought I was out looking for berries.”

“Berries.”

“Yes, I can’t live off of bread rations.”

“Stars, you’re spoiled.” You tried to joke.

“Spoiled?” He was offended and upset at the word; you could tell. “Yes, my parents left me on an island and my uncle tried to kill me, I’m spoiled.”

“Luke what?” It sounded ridiculous; you were shocked at his words. His eyes closed slowly as if he regretted what he said. When he opened them, he looked directly at you and his eyes were sad.

“The night his temple was destroyed, he had come to my dormitories and when I woke, he was standing over me, his lightsaber ignited and ready to strike.” You could see it in his eyes that every word he said hurt. You shook your head.

“Why would he do that?”

“If you’re going to defend him, I don’t want to hear it.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do-”

“It sounds like it.”

“I believe you.” Your hand had reached out and was now on his bicep, the blanket he still wore being the boundary between your skin and his. His eyes softened, but he looked away from you before you could dive into the way they all of a sudden held all kinds of emotions. You let go of his bicep and you could hear his sigh, it held annoyance.

“I don’t know what happened that night. The temple,” He took a pause and closed his eyes. You were trying hard not to let any emotions of anger rile you up. _What could he possibly say to make up for murdering his friends?_

“They weren’t my friends.” He said it simply, with no harshness in his voice as you would expect. “I don’t know how it happened. One second it was fine. Then there was an explosion and it was on fire. I never wanted that.” His hands were shaking by his side. You didn't know how to take the information. _What's to say he wasn't just making it up?_ Some things weren't making sense in your head, _if he didn't do it then why would he run? Why would he join the dark side and follow Snoke?_ You added those questions to the long list of questions you had for him.

“What about Tai?” For some reason, this was one of the main questions you had. You knew Tai, another young Jedi around your age, from when you visited the Jedi Academy. He was talented, and you knew he had Ben's interests in mind. He was his friend. 

“What about him?” This came out defensively.

“Ben, he was your friend. You can’t deny that. He cared for you, as you did for him. If he was there-”

“He wasn’t.” He took a pause and sat on the floor, cross-legged. The sight reminded you of when you were younger and would take breaks between his training days to eat lunch on the grass. “He was on a mission with Hennix and Voe.”

“Okay.” You sat next to him in the same position, but instead of facing the river like he was, you faced him. You had decided then and there that you were ready to listen. “So if you didn’t burn it, who did?”

He took a minute before answering, “My best guess is Palpatine.”

“Palpatine?”

“Did Rey not explain?”

“Explain?” You led him on to continue.

“Snoke was Palpatine the whole time. Palpatine made Snoke and controlled the body from afar. He was his voice. He was every voice.” You could tell he was visibly shaken like he didn’t even like to think about what he was saying.

“Every voice?” You remembered faintly again the memory of the day he was leaving to go with Luke. He had started telling you something about a dark voice. “A dark voice?”

“Shouldn’t you get back before people notice you’re gone? Rey doesn’t stay very long; she usually gives me a quick brief and leaves.” He got up all of a sudden which startled you since you had just sat down a minute before. It had only been a few minutes since you had gotten here, fifteen at the most. 

“Are you kicking me out of your,” you looked around, “space?”

“No, I-”

“You know we were just getting somewhere.” You interrupted him. His sudden unwillingness to talk hurt you. He was closing himself off just when he had opened. _Why?_ You tried convincing yourself not to overreact, he could be tired, or maybe he just didn’t want to talk about bad things.

“I don’t owe you anything.” He said making eye contact. A strong intensity was in his eyes, his emotions not there. _He’s right._ The thought hit you. What had you been expecting? For him to openly talk about everything so you could understand and you could live as things once were? Ben had always been closed off. After everything he went through, after all the years of you not being in his life, what made you expect his immediate and honest words as soon as you were willing to listen?

“No you don’t.” You whispered out, also standing. “But I don’t owe you anything either.” You pointed a finger at him, “You’re the one that’s hiding out here because of the things you did. Now I don’t know why you did them, but they’re done. I don’t owe you my time to listen to them, to understand and I don’t know what after.” Your voice was still in a whisper, but it had grown angry as you went on. “When I no longer want to give you my time to try and understand do not be surprised because it’s hard.” You paused; tears were forming in your eyes. “Ben it’s so hard.” He took a step away from you, looking away. “It’s so hard to accept you being here after everything. After I deemed you dead because Ben Solo being dead was easier than acknowledging the monster you had become. So, yes, you don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe me an explanation, but I don’t owe you my forgiveness without it because,” your words faltered, because why? “because,”

“Because you didn’t do anything wrong.” He was still whispering. “I hurt you. I'm sorry,” He met your eyes, tears were in his eyes as well. “I’m not ready. I don’t know if I have the strength to do this.” His eyes fell to the ground. When you didn’t say anything, he turned away towards his tent. You couldn’t help it, you followed him. He walked straight into his tent, and so you did as well.

You saw him walk towards his sleeping set up, but something else caught your attention that hadn't before. On the other side of the tent, there was a chest. You wondered how Rey had managed to sneak that all the way here. Your mouth opened slightly at the sight of the paper, ink, and calligraphy pen set atop the chest. A memory came into your head at the sight.

“I wanted to come when Leia and Han came for your Birthday but I had an academy thing that I couldn’t miss. It was horrible.” You began to explain as soon as you had seen him.

“It’s okay. They told me.” He smiled at you, looking down at the box you held in your hands.

“Well Happy Late 15th Birthday! Excited for your present?” You asked. He nodded.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I know.” You smiled at him. It had been almost seven months since the last time Leia set up a trip for you to come to visit Ben.

“Come on.” He motioned you to follow him and so you did. He walked you towards his shed and you could not help but notice the way the other kids were staring at you. Most of them knew who you were since you had been there before, but they weren’t too used to visitors at the academy. You heard the tearing of the wrapping paper as soon as you shut the door behind you. You watched with excitement as Ben opened his present, waiting for a smile to appear on his face. Except it didn’t.

“Ben?” You took a few steps towards him and from that distance, you could see his lips were in a pout. He always did this when he was focused on his thoughts. “Ben, what’s wrong?” You had put your arm on his shoulder just like you had done a few minutes ago.

“You remembered.” The smile you had been waiting for finally appeared on his face. Relief washed over you and you smiled back.

“Of course I remembered. I know I teased you about it but I was joking. I could tell you really did want to learn calligraphy.” A small laugh left his lips as he stared at the opened box in this hands. Inside the box was a set of calligraphy pens, some parchment, and black and blue ink.

“Thank you.” He finally met your eyes. The smile on his face told you he was happy and grateful, but you couldn’t help but see the sadness in his eyes. You had decided not to ruin the moment and comment.

“You’re welcome.” You had responded, happy that he had liked his present.

“It’s impolite to go into someone’s sleeping area without being invited in.” His voice took you out of your memories and back to the present time. You walked over to the calligraphy set and picked up the pen.

“Who’d she steal this from for you?” You asked with curiosity. You looked over at him and saw he was hesitant with his answer.

“Rey didn’t steal it. It’s mine.” He answered it like it was obvious.

“How could this possibly be yours?”

“I left one from the set you gave me on The Falcon one of the times Han visited. I asked Rey to get it.” You looked down at the pen. There’s no way you could remember exactly what the pens you gave him looked like. For some reason, the thought of him asking Rey to get this one item you had given him pulled your heartstrings. Something told you he wasn't lying. It really was one of the pens you had given him.

“Since when do you call your father by his first name?” You instantly knew that was the wrong thing to say. His body went rigged and his eyes cold and tired.

“I’d rather get some sleep now so if you could just,” He motioned toward the tent’s opening. You let out a scoff in disbelief. You walked up to him so close you could hear his breathing.

“If Rey doesn’t get back by then, I’ll be back in two days. You better figure out if you want to talk to me or not.” His eyes move away from yours, looking towards nothing behind you. You walked out of the tent, more frustrated than you had been before. _What went wrong?_ You thought back to the conversation. _Palpatine._ You had noticed how even mentioning him had had a physical effect on him. _Maybe I shouldn’t have been so snarky?_ You reminded yourself that you had no idea why he reacted that way to his name. _He was every voice._ It hit you that if you had been hearing a dark voice, leading you towards darkness, your whole life, after getting free of it you wouldn’t want to remember it either.

“You’re so impatient.” You mumbled to yourself, “Stupid.” You grumbled, stopping in your tracks. You thought about turning back, but then you remembered more of his words. _I don’t owe you anything._ You couldn’t help the nag in your brain saying that he did. He did owe it to you. An explanation as to why he did what he did, why he had to go and break his mother’s heart. His father’s heart. Even Chewie’s heart. Your heart. Maybe you were being selfish, wanting him to open up as he once did. But you missed him, and as you walked back to your tent, you hoped he missed you enough to open himself to you again.


	8. Stay For Dinner Then

Two days passed and Rey and the rest of the team hadn’t returned. They were safe. Just earlier in the day they had found a First Order high ranked officer. Hux had confirmed his identity and rank. Now, the team was just waiting to hear back from higher ranks in the Resistance that were conversing with the New Republic on how to move forward.

You had to admit, Hux was being extremely cooperative and it even seemed like some people were glad he was here because of how much help he had been for the past three days. This made you think about how maybe if Ben was fully cooperative and helped like Hux was, they might be accepting of him as well. You knew Ben though, and when he set his mind to something, he didn’t usually let it go. So if he already had a plan that didn’t include cooperating, there wasn’t much you knew you could do about it.

Speaking of, you were very much aware that you had to visit him once again tonight. You had left him enough food for more days, but you had told him two days. The risk of him coming to camp to see if everything was okay was too high, you knew you had to hold up to your words because of how unpredictable he could be. You had hoped that Rey would have been back by now, but she wasn’t, so you started thinking about excuses to say if you were caught sneaking out into the forest.

“Hello? Are you alright there?” Rose’s voice brought you out of your thoughts. You looked at her and Hux beside her, who was also looking at you. Rose had a concerned face while Hux looked annoyed.

“Yes. All good.” You nodded smiling at her. You hated to lie to her, especially since she was so good and nice to you, but you really had no clue what to tell her. _No Rose, I’m currently thinking about Ben Solo, whom Rey and I are hiding in the forest._ Not a chance, not yet, especially not with Hux beside her.

Hux had brought up Kylo Ren a few times. Everything he said was angry and spiteful. Letting him know the man he hated the most was on the same planet as him would definitely not be a good idea. If Ben had reacted poorly to the news of Hux being here, you could only imagine the latter’s reaction. 

“Are you sure? Did you eat dinner?” She was always so observing.

“No, actually, I’m not that hungry yet,” You lied, “I’ll get something later.” That part was true. You had decided that it would be easier to just get food for Ben when getting food for yourself. It would be a whole lot less sneaky and suspicious if anyone saw you getting rations.

“Okay, just remember to eat for me. I promise Poe is fine.” She shot you a look. There had been one too many days when the pressure of the war had gotten to you, making you overthink about the measures being taken, and underthink about your needs to survive like eating. You were aware that Rose didn’t like promising things she didn’t mean to keep so her words sent a wave a reassurance through your body that you didn’t even know you needed. 

“Of course.” You assured. Armitage was looking at you with a weird expression on his face. Not caring, more like entertained. He was curious. You gave him a scowl and stood up to go to your tent for a bit. You heard Rose’s soft voice warning him to stop getting on people’s bad sides. It was interesting how their relationship had become strong in the bat of an eye. You wondered what he could have possibly said to her that managed to make Rose sympathize him. You shook your head, making the thought of asking her sometime go to the back of your head.

You plopped yourself on your cot. Thoughts of Ben settled themselves in your head as they often did now. Not that they hadn’t before, just not this often. You knew him being here was doing something to you, to your body. As much as you hated to admit the fact to yourself, your body longed for him. It felt like you were seventeen all over again, wanting to just sleep next to him, in his arms, even if it was for a night. The thoughts followed you into a dream.

When you woke up you could tell it was already dark.

“Shit.” You shot up from the bed. “Shit. Shit.” Taking a few seconds to regain your focus, you peaked out of your tent. The base was quiet, only a few lights turned on. _How long have I slept for?_ You thought glancing up at the sky. The moon was high in the center of it. It had to be at least the 21st hour if not later. You sighed, making your way to the area that served as the base kitchen.

“Midnight snack?” You were about to wrap your hand around a basket when Hux’s voice made you jump. You turned to look at him, he was in sleeping clothes and his hair was messy.

“I just woke up.” You turned back around grabbing the basket and quickly making excuses for it in your head. All you had to do was act like what you were doing was completely normal and that his presence has no effect on your plans. _Easy enough._

“What do you need a basket for?”

“I’m taking a walk.”

“It’s the middle of the night.” He scoffed.

“It’s none of your business.” You mumbled. You had been placing food in the basket, definitely more than just for you and just one meal, but having your back to him had helped conceive how much you were taking. After a few moments of silence, you turned to see why he was so quiet except he was gone. You were glad he had decided to drop the conversation.

When you finally finished packing Ben’s food, you sneaked some in for yourself as well remembering you really had pushed dinner off. You made your way to the forest making sure no one saw you even though there was really no point since you had told Hux you were going off into the forest. You decided to worry about that later, it wasn’t like Hux would be interested enough to follow you. Rose on the other hand… you hoped he didn’t tell her. _She’d be asleep by now,_ you thought, and you’d be back by morning. _It’ll be fine._

Your walk towards Ben was filled with thoughts about how there was no way you’d be able to sleep anymore. Mindless thoughts about whether you should force yourself to sleep for a few hours in the morning, or wait it out until the nighttime again filled your head. Before you knew it, you were at the lake. This time, only the moon’s faint glow and the lantern you held in your left hand illuminated the space. _Of course, he’d be asleep._ You made your way to his tent to leave the basket outside it when movement in the lake caught your sight. Squinting lightly you figured it had to be someone swimming in it. The figure couldn’t have been anyone but Ben, so you walked towards the lake.

He seemed to be in his own world closer to the middle of the lake. The lake wasn’t too big, but still big enough to know the swim to the center would have tired you out a bit. He hadn’t heard you approaching, which is why when you called his name, his body turned towards your voice in a surprised jump. You couldn’t help but laugh. A few steps in front of you, his wet clothes were spread out alongside a dry towel.

“Idiot.” You mumbled under your breath, heavily unconscious of the smile adorning your lips. He was swimming toward you now. _I didn’t even know he knew how to swim. Why wouldn’t he though?_

Once he was closer to the shore, more of his body started being exposed. It happened way too fast, one second it was just his wet hair in your line of sight, the next it was his wet, broad, and muscular chest. The thought of joining him in the lake overtook every other thought. It took you a few seconds to realize he had stopped walking when the water got to his hips. It also took you another few seconds to realize that you had been staring. You looked up at him, and he was blankly staring at your face. You felt yourself get warm.

“I just,” You broke eye contact, unable to hold it with embarrassment that he had caught you looking. _You really do a bad job at acting like you hate him you know,_ you accused yourself. “I just came to bring you more food.” You recovered looking up at him.

He nodded, glancing at the basket and then into your eyes again. In the darkness they lost their usual light glimmer and seemed jet black. You couldn’t deny the way he looked right now was making you weak, your whole body wanting to give in.

“Could you-” He started.

“Rey’s not back.” You accidentally interrupted, speaking at the same time. He only nodded again, not breaking eye contact. A few seconds passed, only marginally uncomfortable. “She’s completely fine though.” You sputtered out when you has seen his mouth open to talk again. 

_She’s flustered..._. The sight of his chest in your lower peripheral vision was enough to distract you from how uncomfortable the situation should have been and the little thought of his you managed to hear.

“I’m not wearing any clothes.” He finally said. For some reason, it made you laugh. Perhaps it was the way it had come out so bluntly and emotionless from him. If his clothes hadn’t told you he was fully bare, the way the water was dangerously low would have. _If the sun had been out, the water would have definitely been clear enough to see-_ A short intake of breath and your name stopped your thought.

“Sorry.” You mumbled quickly cursing whatever had allowed him to get to that though and turning around to hide a blush that he wouldn’t have been able to see anyway. You heard the water move around and the movement of him wrapping the towel around himself. “You know your clothes won’t dry very well like that on the ground.”

“I was going to hang them closer to my tent while I slept.”

“You were going to sleep naked?”

“Is there a problem?”

“What if I had come by in the morning?”

“What if you had come by in the morning?” The tone in his voice made you turn to him; he was smirking. It made you roll your eyes. _That smirk._ You couldn’t lie, you missed it. He cleared his throat, “I have other clothes that Rey has brought me, remember?” he said looking at the basket in your hands.

“Right.” You extended it out to him. He grabbed it and started walking toward his tent with his wet clothes in his other hand. “Oh wait, wait.” You walked up to him and bent down slightly toward the basket. You didn’t miss the way his body seemed to tense. A quick glance at the towel around him made you all aware at how close you were to his loosely tucked towel.

Reaching in the basket you took out the food you had placed there for yourself. Some bread, water, and an apple. Being out on a base during a war was definitely not the best place to eat. You slowly backed away from him and awkwardly held the items in your hands. “Fell asleep before I had dinner.” You were confused as to why you felt compelled to explain yourself, but it had been too late to really think about it before the words left your mouth. _Flustered_ ,you repeated his thought as your own. 

“Stay for dinner then.” He kept walking. You couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. Half intrigued, you followed him to his tent. You took a moment to think outside. The light inside turned on and you could hear him shuffling around inside. The tent Rey had brought him was big, and props to her for that, because otherwise, he would have been the only one to fit inside.

Were you giving in to him if you went inside? Throughout the past few days you had continued your endless thinking on where you stood in regards to the situation. Could the way you missed him really overpower the anger that you still felt at his actions? Could it overpower the uncertainty you still had? There was no denying the way you found yourself being pulled to him, you knew you’d give in eventually. But this soon? It was almost sad. _It would be so much easier to just give in, accept he’s back, and help him get his life together,_ you thought. But would it really be easier? It only took a few recounting of memories of what had happened the past eight years and the destruction of the war to get your emotions boiled up in steaming water. _If you’re still willing to listen…_ that thought hadn’t been yours.

You made your way into the tent. Ben was taking the lid off of some soup you had managed to get. It had surprised you that there had been any leftovers still on the heating pads, but you didn’t give it much thought. Ben was sitting on the floor, his legs crossed, now wearing loose black pants and a grey t-shirt, staring into the container.

“Warm soup.” He mumbled. You sat across from him, a good three feet of space between you, also with your legs crossed, breaking a piece of bread and putting it in your mouth. “No spoon?”

“I didn’t think about that.” You responded, still chewing.

“You think about a lot of things, but a spoon…” He drifted off once he saw your glare. Ben Solo had always been a tease, having the personality and humor of his father. He brought the container up to his lips, and slowly started slurping, never breaking eye contact. That was another thing about Ben, sometimes, he just kinda stared. And if he knew or not you weren’t sure, but his gaze did things to you that you would not admit out loud. You broke eye contact, not being able to hold it any longer.

“I told you to make up your mind about talking to me.” You brought up reaching for your water.

“I have. I invited you in, did I not?”

“Ben, please.”

“It’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be.” He huffed placing his soup down. It was your turn to stare at him now. He was carefully analyzing the ground, letting you know he was thinking.

“I know.” You whispered because you did know. The things he had done, they had been hard for you to believe because it just could not have been Ben. You knew that something had to have gone wrong, horribly wrong, and that of course the explanation could not be _simple_. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking about my mother.” He whispered in a rush as if he didn’t really want to say it. It broke your heart, just a bit. You missed Leia and her death was still something that brought waves of sadness some days.

“Ben…” You wanted to reach out and comfort him, but you weren’t sure you were there yet. The last thing you wanted to do was make him uncomfortable while he was opening up. He didn’t say anything or look up at you.

“I disappointed her.” He let out. There were definitely tears in his eyes. He suddenly looked up at you, “Didn’t I?”

“I don’t-”

“Don’t say you don’t know,” His tone was soft but still held a bit of edge, then if faded with his next words, “You were there. With her. Through it.”

“She was disappointed in herself.” You told him. He met your eyes with a confused face. “She regretted sending you to Luke at such a young age.”

“Only because of what happened.” He scoffed. You shook your head, a small laugh leaving your lips.

“Our conversations will get nowhere if we keep being confrontational and defensive instead of trying to understand and listen to each other.” You told him softly. His face fell. He knew you were right; it was what had happened the last time you spoke, and eight years ago before his fall.

“Maybe it’s too late to be talking anyway.” He let out. You felt yourself become frustrated, but hit yourself with the same words you had just said to him.

“Maybe. Why were you up this late?” You prompted, deciding, disappointedly, to let the heavy conversation go.

“I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take a bath.” He went back to his soup. For a few moments you let yourself enjoy the moment. _A picnic,_ you entertained your thoughts. It was cute, really. Your thoughts started to wander. _Would we have been having picnics if everything hadn’t gone wrong?_

“Probably.” He answered. You looked up. You were about to snap at him for being in your head but then you noticed he looked sad. “You loved picnics.”

“I still do.” You finished your bread, moving on to your apple.

“Do you want soup?” He asked. You smiled and shook your head no. _How domestic is this?_ You thought, _I would have never thought this would happen again._

“I had soup yesterday.”

“So the base has soup every day?”

“No, not every day. It really just depends if the person who makes soup wants to make enough for everyone.” You explained, he nodded. It was nice. The banter continued for a while. It consisted mostly of how Rey and the team were doing, a few comments on the food, and Ajan Kloss and it’s wildlife with a lot of silent moments between sentences. It almost felt like nothing that had gone wrong the last eight years had happened. You tried to hold on to the moment for as long as you could, giving in and finally fueling yourself of the warmness the environment was giving you. After a bit, you saw his eyes grow increasingly tired and then a few yawns. “I should get going.” You said standing. He looked up at you, sadly. You only smiled, you didn’t want leaving him to become difficult. “Before I forget, where’s the basket I brought the other day?”

“You could stay if you wanted.” You caught his eyes. He was being serious. Your mouth opened to say something, but no words came out. _Am I dreaming?_ It had been way too long since you had slept close to Ben, but it had only been recently that you had dreamt it.

“I can’t,” You said before your body took over and nodded to his offer. “I need to be at the base in the morning. Armitage saw me grabbing food and I told him I was just going on a walk.”

“Armitage?”

“Hux.”

“Why are you calling him that?”

“Because that’s his name?” You gave him a confused look. His eyes squinted. “What?”

“You know what.” He mumbled starting to place food away. You crossed your arms.

“No, I don't know what. Care to enlighten me?”

“Must we get in an argument every time you leave me?” He met your eyes. A deep empty feeling started spreading in your chest. His face looked frustrated and tired, but his eyes still held that sadness from earlier.

“I rather not.” You said softly. He stood up and walked towards the chest on the left side of the tent. Next to it was the basket from the last time you brought him food. He handed it to you.

“Goodnight.” He said, meeting your eyes with so much intensity that you thought over his offer again.

“Goodnight, Ben.” You said quickly turning and leaving his tent. Once outside with the basket in one hand and your lantern in the other, you let out a deep breath and started the familiar path back to base. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't know if anyone has been keeping up with this story, but in case someone is, i actually am so sorry it took forever to update!! hopefully you enjoyed :)


	9. He Needs to Face a Trial

Another two days passed before the Millennium Falcon landed back on base. Apart from being glad that they managed to capture a handful of First Order sympathizers and another handful of ranking officers, they looked exhausted. So, the first thing they did was eat a large meal and then head off to sleep.

Only a few bits of the story of the mission had been said since everyone was aware of what had gone down anyway from the frequent check-ins that had been set in place. Before Poe went to his tent, he pulled you off to the side.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m fine,” you answered suspiciously, “Why are you asking? I should be asking you.” You smiled at him, but his was only halfheartedly returned.

“Just checking in, it’s only been about half a month since Leia.” He was watching you very carefully, trying to catch any tales of how you were really feeling.

“I miss her and mourn her, but I promise I’m fine, Poe.” You answered with a reassuring smile. He nodded at you.

“No more thinking about Kylo Ren?” He asked seriously. “Ben.” He seemed to be correcting himself.

“Kylo- Ben?” It took you aback the sudden mention of him. Poe hadn’t called him Ben in years. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Listen, don't get angry. We might need to go find him.”

“What?” Your brain started to panic a bit but you made sure to maintain your breathing steady and your body as casual as possible.

“The New Republic Senate is re-assembling on another planetary system and a lot of senators are making it a high priority to find him. They want to bring him to a trial and sentence him for his crimes.” You nodded as he spoke, taking his words in. “We have to find him.”

“To turn him in. It’s a Resistance mission.” You finished.

“No?” He looked at you confused. “They’ll kill him if we turn him in. Do you think they’ll just imprison him? No, he was arguably the second in command for most of the First Order’s terror and Supreme Leader for a year. We have to find him first. To hide him. Make sure to get him straight again somehow.” His words hung in the air a few seconds before you could speak.

“You want to help him?” You asked in shock. Poe had been the last person you would have expected to bring this idea up. Poe’s eyes left yours to someone behind you. You turned and saw Finn waiting for him.

“I don’t want to, no. We have to.” He met your eyes again, “Listen, I’ll explain more later. I’m really tired right now and just want to lay down for a while, okay?”

“I, um, okay, yea. Get some rest, you deserve it.” You muttered out. He smiled.

“Don’t think about it too much okay I’ll explain more I promise.” He gave your shoulder a squeeze and walked past you toward Finn.

“Wait, wait.” You walked closer to him, “Does Rey know?” you whispered. His face hardened.

“No. Only you and me,” he answered.

“And Finn.” You raised your eyebrow. There was no way he hid anything from Finn, which would be complicated here since there wasn’t much Finn hid from Rey.

He hesitated before answering, “Yes, and Finn. and BB-8.”

“And BB-8. Okay.” You gave him a small smile and then threw one at Finn. You turned to walk away, not really sure where to head to. Your first instinct was to go to Ben and tell him what Poe just had, but you knew that wasn’t the best idea right now since it was broad daylight and you’d have to tell someone where you were going in case they came looking for you. You looked around for Rey but were unable to find her. _She’s probably sleeping too_ , you thought taking one last look around the exterior of the Millennium Falcon.

You sighed and decided it would be best if for now you just sat and maybe even read a book. It had been a while since you had reread your books calmly with no worries. Before you could get to your tent though, Rose called out your name.

“Are you busy right now?” She asked nervously.

“No, not at all.” You smiled at her, but she only sighed a relief.

“Okay, can we have a chat?” You nodded and motioned to your tent, to which she nodded in agreement. Once inside, you offered her to sit on your cot while you sat on an empty crate you had moved into the tent for situations like this one.

“What’s-”

“It’s about Armitage.” She interrupted quickly like it was hard to get it out. You raised an eyebrow and decided to not say anything and just let her have her time to speak. But when she didn’t, you were prompted to ask,

“What about him?”

“I know you kinda hate him-”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that.” You interrupted this time, but she ignored it.

“But we can’t let him be turned in to the Senate for trial.” She finished. You stared at her with no words. The moment had come. You had thought about this before. About how if you were willing to excuse Kylo Ren’s actions, you basically had to be willing to excuse Hux’s, and so many other people’s involvement in the First Order. When you didn’t answer, Rose continued. “I wasn’t even sure if I should come to you or not. I went to Rey, but she thinks he should go to trial. You were the one who said he should stand trial when you first found out he was here, but you have to listen to him. If you just knew what he went through when he was younger. He told me you met before the war and listened, and that maybe you would listen now.”

“He told you about the bar?”

“That’s not the point.” She looked at you with pleading eyes.

Could Hux be excused for his crimes? Could Ben? Were they the same? You remembered that as of now, you weren’t sure at all because you hadn’t gotten very far with Ben. _Actually, not far at all._ What had you gotten? Two sentences at most about how Snoke was Palpatine and how he felt he disappointed his mother? _Not much progress._ Anger slowly built itself in you.

“What could he possibly say to excuse his actions as a Major General in the First Order?” You knew it was wrong, you were mixing your personal feelings and anger for Ben’s actions into this other person, but you couldn’t help it. The scenario was too close, and you wanted someone else’s input.

“I think it would be better for him to explain.” She sighed out.

“He barely stands being around me.”

“No, it’s not like that. He thinks you hate him.”

“Well I don’t, he’s helped us a great deal.”

“Exactly.” She said your name softly, “He wants you to listen. Poe and Finn have come to terms with helping him escape the trial if that’s what he chooses to do-”

“Chooses?”

“Rey proposed that perhaps they would be kinder with his sentence if we testified to him spying for us and helping us now.” She explained. _Makes sense,_ you thought.

“I agree with her.” You said, thinking it over. The fact that he was a spy for the Resistance (with proof in freeing Poe, Finn, and Chewie) alone could get him off and continue his place in the Resistance. If he lied enough, he could claim he had always been a spy, who was going to contradict or debunk his statement? Most of the original; resistance members were dead.

“But that’s not certain. Would you just please listen to him?” She asked again. You could tell she wanted you to say yes badly. _If it was enough to convince Rose, the best person you knew, Hux’s story must be good._

“Okay. Fine.” You said. She smiled at you, one of her brightest yet.

“That’s great! Okay, I’ll tell him. I’ll get him in a bit.” She started getting up.

“Actually, I’m heading off to take a bath off in the forest.” You got up with her, suddenly making up your mind to go to Ben now. He was going to start talking now, this was ridiculous. You wanted to be patient, but enough time had gone by. If Hux, someone who you had spoken to deeply once before in your life, was willing to talk to you now, Ben, someone who you had spoken to deeply a number times and who you had trusted with your life at one point, could talk to you now.

“You should really just do it on one of the ships. The Falcon’s pressure isn’t too bad.” She mused, already knowing your answer.

“I much prefer the waterfalls.” You smiled your usual explanation. “Tell Armitage we can speak after dinner.” She nodded and muttered a quick thank you with a smile.

As soon as she left, you gathered the usual things you needed when you showered and put them in a basket. You made your way not to the waterfall where you usually showered, but to Ben. You noticed that the ground seemed to be making a pathway, but you convinced yourself that it wasn’t possible since you hadn’t visited him _that_ much and Rey’s path could not possibly be the exact same you took. As you were approaching your destination, you made sure to tell yourself that after talking to Ben, going to take a shower wouldn’t be such a bad idea so you wouldn’t have to do it at night, but before you could keep thinking, yelling caught your attention.

“You’re still not getting it! How is it possible that you don’t get it, Rey!” Speeding up your walk the small clearance around the lake revealed Ben’s angry face and Rey standing a few feet from him.

“No, Ben, you’re the one that doesn’t get it. You have to go to trial! It’s the right thing to do, you know that!” She yelled back, but not really angrily as he had. It was more like frustrated and tired of the conversation.

“The Republic, if it continues as it was before, is just as bad as the First Order! Have they not learned from their mistakes? Their system has easily been broken and overthrown twice in the past fifty years! By the same man! It’s weak.” By the end of his rant, Ben sounded as tired as Rey was. Clearly, they had been arguing for a while. She must have slipped from the base as soon as she had finished eating. 

“Well, he’s dead now so that’s not a possibility anymore.” Rey counteracted. She hadn’t noticed you yet, but Ben was now looking straight at you as you walked towards them cautiously.

“Yea, that’s what everyone believed the first time.” Rey let out a groan from his words and turned, now sensing you there.

“Great, you’re here. Help me convince him.” Rey reached for you and pulled you next to her. “Tell him that it’s time to tell everyone he’s here and that he needs to face the New Republic and a trial.” She looked away from you and to Ben. You started at her curiously. _Is she serious?_ You took a glance at Ben and he lifted an eyebrow, putting his hands on his hips. _Just like his father._ He took them off of his hips and crossed them at his chest. Your name from Rey’s lips brought you back to face her, “Tell him.”

“You were the last person I would have thought would want to turn him into the New Republic.” You finally answered in a curious manner. You hadn't made up your mind, and now you had to do it in seconds. 

“And you were the first person I would have thought would agree that he should be turned into the New Republic.” She shot back as if what I had said was ridiculous.

“Rey…” You started. You started thinking of what a trial would mean for Ben. As much as the last eight years had brought you pain, you knew what would happen, and you weren't sure you could deal with that, not if you had a say.

“You wanted Hux to go to trial. Was I wrong in assuming the same for Ben?” She asked still not believing what she was hearing. Had she somehow gotten word of what Poe wanted to do? No, she wouldn’t want to tell them he was here if that was the case since they wanted the opposite. Had this idea just occurred to her now after speaking to some New Republic leaders and getting a taste of justice?

“Rey, Armitage, he ” You glanced at Ben, he was very focused on your words, probably because he hadn’t expected you to disagree with her, “Hux, he has a significantly higher chance of getting off.” Rey turned from you and sighed deeply, bringing her hands to her face. “He was a spy directly for the Resistance and continued to help us now. With our recounts and witness to his actions and a little lying from any willing to, he could definitely walk no matter what they have against him. Claiming he always worked for us would gain the approval and justification of his actions undercover from any jury. Even then, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. Rose-”

“Yea she told me when I got back.” Rey cut you off, simply staring at you, and then at Ben. You looked at him as well and found that he was still staring at you. You sighed, bringing a hand to your head. You turned to Rey and closed your eyes. You were standing up for him without first having listened to his side of the story. You were going to do what you had told your self not to do, which was fall to his side as soon as he was back.

“If Ben goes to trial, they’d kill him.” You said softly, not liking the words. Poe was right, we had to hide him.

“We don’t know that!” She had obviously said this already to Ben since she seemed tired of the words. “He helped me kill Palpatine! That-”

“What?” You interrupted turning to Ben. “You were on Exegol?”

“I told you to tell her.” Rey groaned.

“The time didn’t arise,” Ben started.

“Bullshit!” You talked over Ben. “There was plenty of time for you to tell me this!”

“I died.” Rey suddenly said. She was talking hoarsely now. She obviously didn’t like the memory. “Palpatine had thrown Ben in a pit, I thought he was gone.” Your mouth fell and you looked at Ben with what you were sure was a ridiculous expression. “I defeated him, I,” She stopped for a deep breath.

“Rey you don’t have to,” Ben whispered to her.

“I defeated him. I was stronger than he was! But it took everything in me and then I don’t remember anything. It’s blank. Until I woke up with Ben kneeling next to me. Next thing I know, he’s the one that’s dying. I don’t know how this whole force thing works too well yet. I don’t know how the force ghosts did it, but they gave Ben the push he needed not to die. If it wasn't for him, I would be dead.” Rey finished a few tears on her cheeks. You approached her and took her into a hug. You didn’t like it very much, but you knew she needed it. While you and Rey frequently bickered, you knew you still cared for each other’s wellbeing. The thought of Ben giving his life up for her filled your mind. That was the Ben Solo you knew. It almost brought tears to your eyes. After about half a minute she let go.

“Redeeming qualities for the Supreme Leader of the First Order,” You said catching Ben’s eye roll, “but definitely not enough for the New Republic and the millions of people in the galaxy.”

“And for you?” Ben asked. He sounded almost hopeful, but you couldn’t quite tell past the teasing manner.

“I haven’t quite figured that out yet, seeing as the man in question has said max four sentences of explanation regarding his monstrous actions.” You squinted your eyes, hoping it hit a spot within him. It was wrong to intently want to get him angry, even hurt, but you knew it could work to get him talking. His eyes squinted back.

“If you could be patient-”

“I’ve been looking for answers for eight fucking years Ben!” you snapped, “I’m tired of waiting. You have the explanations I’ve been searching years for! So I’m _so sorry_ ,” _not at all,_ you thought, “if I’m being impatient, your majesty.” You finished off with the old teasing name you used to call him. You had tried to get a reaction out of him, but all you had managed to do was provoke yourself.

“Can we not do this now?” Rey asked, wiping a few tears off her cheeks. You sighed. _She’s right. Not the time._ He said in your head. It was too soon for his voice there to start feeling normal, but it did.

“I think it is time to bring Ben to base, but I am against turning him in.” You locked eyes with Ben and his face softened at your words, “For now.” You added, making a hardness return to his face.

“Fine,” Rey said, nodding. “Ben?”

“I’m at your mercy, Rey.” His words made your stomach feel hollow and your jaw clench. _Jealousy? Is that allowed of me right now?_ You pushed the thoughts back. His relationship with Rey was not your business. Your business was to figure out how to tell everyone he had been here the whole time, and that you knew.

“Do you have a plan on what you’re going to say?” You asked Rey, no longer being able to face Ben.

“No. Kind of. The truth, but I'm not sure how exactly.” She answered.

“Okay, neither do I. What about if we wait until sometime after dinner? You can come to get him and I’ll call a meeting and make sure everyone stays put until you get there with him. It’ll give us both, us three, time to figure out what we’re going to say.” She nodded at your words.

“What time is it now?” She asked.

“Around the fifteenth hour. Four hours until dinner.” You answered. “I’m going to make my way back.” You said, waiting for an answer from Rey. _Come back with me,_ you hoped.

“I’ll stay here until dinner.” She said looking at Ben. You had still refused to do so since your feelings got the best of you. _If I look at him, he’ll know._

“I can hear you.” He mumbled starting to walk away.

“I’ll see you then.” You also started walking away when Rey caught your arm.

“What is going on between you two? I thought you’d talk it out while I was gone.” She whispered trying to make sure Ben didn’t hear. You rolled your eyes.

“Rey, I tried. He wouldn’t budge. His walls are up. He’s always been like that. When we were younger, I managed to break them down, but after years. I don’t have the energy and patience to try for years. I still don’t even know if I fully trust him.” You answered, being franker with her than you had expected.

“Ben Solo is back.” She assured in a strong tone backing up her statement.

“I want to believe that, trust me I do. I prayed to the universe he would. But it’s hard.”

“It’s hard for him too.” She said sympathetically. You only shook your head, knowing her words were true but wanting them not to.

“It’s hard being good? Not for you, Rey. Not for me. Not for Poe, or Finn, or Rose.” You started getting angry again.

“It’s not that simple-”

“Yea that’s what he said, but didn’t explain what he meant. I rather hear it from him than from you, no offense.” She let go of your arm, “it’s his story to tell. Now, I’m taking a detour from the base and going off to a waterfall for a bath.” You finally managed to walk away.

A headache was already starting to form. You hoped your bath would help it, but you doubted it. Then you started getting anxious about dinner. The time really had come.

“Crap.” You said stopping in your tracks. _I completely forgot to tell him about Poe._ Instead of walking back, you decided to leave it. It had been what you had come for in the first place, but you decided that he would say it himself when Rey told everyone what she wanted to happen.

You approached a huge bounder in a wall. This was your favorite spot on the whole planet. Walking a little to your left, the little opening came into view. It was very narrow, about four feet wide, and about ten feet tall. You shuffled sideways into it, tilting your basket in a way it would fit. After some steps, maybe a few yards, you were on the other side.

Here lay a small opening that had a clear view of the sky, with a waterfall coming down on the other side from what you assumed was the top plain of the wall the bounder was stuck on. You had never figured out how to get up there, seeing as the wall seemed to go on many miles, and you didn’t really know how to climb it. It was beautiful, with plants growing on the cliffs and a small lake pooling at the base of the waterfall. The water was clear enough to see that the lake was very deep in its center. You had assumed there was a hole at the bottom where the water ran off into the ground, but you were never really sure.

With a soft smile on your face, you approached the waterfall, ready for a nice cool bath, thinking about how the hell you were going to apologize for keeping Ben a secret for so long from your friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #BLACKLIVESMATTER  
> Text "FLOYD" to 55156  
> DEMAND THE DEGREE TO BE RAISED  
> HIS MURDER WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT  
> NEUTRALITY IS TAKING THE SIDE OF THE OPPRESSOR  
> [i am on [twitter](https://twitter.com/solostarfighter) where i have tried to spread more information on the movement, what we can all do to help, and what is happening. this update was not to ignore what is happening. i finished it today while taking a mental break (a privilege, i know) from my twitter and the news, and so i am uploading today with this message. if you do not support #blacklivesmatter, know that i do and rather you not read my work].


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